www.thedan.us

Scrapping License?

2012-02-24T13:41:00.003-08:00

In an effort to curb metal thefts, Cincinnati's City Counsel has recently considered an ordinance that would require everyone who scraps metal to be licensed to do so. Upon hearing this I couldn't help but to remember that last "profession" that Cincinnati City Counsel decided needed a license, panhandling. The panhandling license program was in short, a complete failure.

I don't often scrap, in fact, I've only scrapped once in my life. I had 150pounds of copper wiring that I had been saving in my basement. At $1 a pound it was worth the short trip. When I got to the scrap metal yard I was surprised to see how little metal some of the other people were scrapping. One guy and his young son had a handful of wire and two motors. The wire may have been worth $1 and the motors a couple of bucks each. Personally, I wouldn't bother to drive to a friends house to collect a $6 debt. But to some people $6 is a big deal.

I've been the victim of metal theft, three times in fact. The first time was the worst, they broke into my house and stole my copper pipes. The second time they stole a metal ladder out of my yard and the third time they stole some metal that I was going to scrap myself. Being robbed stinks. It made me angry and I felt violated. The crackhead motto is, "A quick buck for a quick hit."

Over the years Pawnshops have taken the same kind of criticism that Scrap Metal Yards are now taking. Pawnshops encourage theft. But do they? With the right regulations such as holding times and cooperation with local law enforcement. Licensing people to scrap is not the solution. Blacklisting repeat metal theft offenders, requiring holding times on payments, paying amounts over x amount of dollars in the form of a check, and other such policies are the solution.

Top 10 Stinky Fart Foods

2012-02-21T20:38:00.001-08:00

Some foods cause very distinctive smelling farts. This is my top 10 list of those foods.

Top 10 Stinky Fart Foods

10. Onions

9. Brussels Sprouts

8. Tacos

7. Cauliflower

6. Cheese

5. Cabbage

4. Broccoli

3. Bologna

2. Egg Salad

1. White Castle Hamburgers

God and Fools

2012-02-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

Without out looking at your past I have no point of reference by which to judge your character. If you find yourself saying over and over, don't judge me by my past than your present probably isn't too impressive.

I shouldn't need to be verbally reminded that you are a different person than you used to be. Your actions should be proof enough. If you feel the need to remind me that you no longer do the things that you used to do than perhaps your time would be better spent working on the person that you are today. I'm not going to pat you on the back for your no longer being a scum bag because that is not remarkable, that is average at best. Be the best father possible, be a loyal wife, give money to the poor, build a pretend rocket ship out of cardboard, kayak down a river, run a race and win. Do something worth talking about. Quit complaining about how people judge you by your past. Only God and fools don't consider someones past relevant and of the two only God can see the future. Today is tomorrows past so build a past that your proud of and quit talking about the one that your not.

828 Questions About Me

2012-01-01T21:48:00.001-08:00

There is an app on facebook that allows people to answer questions about their friends. For every question that you answer you earn points. You can then use those points to find out who answered what questions about you. So far my friends have apparently answered 828 questions about me. Being a bit compulsive at times, I took all of those questions and put them into a spread sheet and here are some of the results:

Do you think that Dan is a good friend? (19 Yes - 0 No)

Do you think that Dan can drink a Gallon of water? (6 Yes - 0 No)

I am pretty quick http://youtu.be/l1435m9z3w8

Do you think that Dan could be a Celebrity? (9 Yes - 0 No)

And as soon as I track down and marry a Kardashian I'll be one.

Do you think that Dan dresses well? (17 yes - 6 N0)

73% say yes. That's better numbers than the Kardashians are pulling.

Do you think that Dan should sing Karaoke? (3 yes - 0 No)

I have. I sang "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. It was terrible.

Do you think that Dan can dance? (9 Yes - 9 No)

Half of you are wrong.

Do you thin that Dan is fun to be around (23 yes - 0 No)

23 of you are correct.

Do you think that Dan cried while watching the Titanic? (9 Yes - 0 No)

Oh yea, well I've never even watch that movie so shut up.

Do you think that Dan has ever had stitches? ( 3 Yes - 6 No)

Maybe this will answer the question. http://vimeo.com/2855753

Do you think that Dan has ever lied in an interview (6 Yes - 6 No)

I have never interviewed for a job that I didn't get and I didn't lie in any of them.

Do you think that Dan has ever played beer pong? (6 Yes - 0 No)

I don't think any of you know what beer pong is. I don't drink.

Do you think that Dan has ever punched someone? (3 yes - 3 No)

Yes I have. I once punched my brother Phil in the face. He still fears me. Bahahahaha

Do you think that Dan has ever used steroids? (0 Yes - 12 No)

Girl look at that body, girl look at that body, I work out....

Do you think that Dan is a good athlete? (6 Yes - 0 No)

Not only that, I'm steroid free as well. Amazing I know.

A Yuppies Guide to Rap Music (A top 10 list of Rap Music Themes)

2011-12-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

Many of you have by now probably heard of a new musical style known as "the rap music." As I am sure that none of you are interested in listening to said music I have taken it upon myself to share with you a little about this emerging genre. The following is a list of the most common themes found in said "rap music." I hope that you find this list as helpful as I did when relating to those in the "ghetto" culture.

TOP 10 MOST COMMON THEMES IN "THE RAP MUSIC"

10. Their relationships with Friends and Family

9. Acts of civil disobedience

8. Illegal substances such as "the weed"

7. Having fun at a friend's house or a local establishment

6. Their favorite color of rag (as to what they do with these rags still remains a mystery to us)

5. Diversifying their investments in things such as automobiles and precious metals

4. Drinks made of Alcohol and the many ways by which to consume them

3. Entrepreneurship, the act of making "the Benjamins"

2.Their Female associates and the many activities that they participate in

1. Their current and past position on the socioeconomic ladder and their many feelings relating to such

Why I Hate Grocery Shopping

2011-12-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

I walk through the door and am immediately confronted with my first decision. Only two choices, cart of basket? Will I be buying much? Will any of those items be heavy? I pick the cart. That was easy. I arrive in the produce section. Should I buy apples.

"Last time you bought apples you didn't eat them all. Don't buy apples." I say to myself.

"Maybe I'll just buy two apples. But buying an entire bag is cheaper. No, just two apples. Wait, which apples are cheaper? I don't know what the difference is between these apples. I wonder which ones are cheaper. I'll just buy the cheap ones and hope for the best." I am confident that I can eat two apples.

The pressure in my head is starting to build. My eyes widen and I grip my cart a little tighter. Where to next? I try to remember what it was that I needed. Do I have rice? Am I out of mustard? No, it was toilet paper. I scan the prices trying to determine the best deal. Wait, here it is, the cheapest toilet paper. But no, wait, they are only one ply and I have to have two. The large packs seem to be cheaper per roll so I concentrate my energy on them. I'm now gritting my teeth. My eyes feel like they are drying out. Why aren't these all priced per ply? How am I supposed to figure out which is cheaper? Single roll, double roll, single roll? I wonder how much toilet paper costs at Walmart? I hate shopping.

As I leave the paper isle I can't help but to wonder if someone is going to hit my cart. It's practically a blind turn. I make it but just barely. I browse the packaged meats. I wonder if the deli turkey is cheaper but it is on the opposite side of the store? I can't remember what the online ad said. Are any of the deli meats on sale? Wait, do I need soap? I passed the soap isle 6 isles ago. I now have a headache. I try to take deep breaths and start repeating the same phrase to myself over and over. "It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok."

There are too many people here and this store is too big. I look in my cart and am disappointed with my decisions thus far. 5 pizzas, ice-cream, pop-tarts, apple jelly, toilet paper, 2 apples, a 12 pack of jello, and a pie. Why does my cart always look like I'm buying for a very small party? My entire body is tense. I can feel the pressure in my chest building. I don't feel like I have much food in my cart but I'm ready to go so I check out. I hope I don't have to do this again any time soon. Wait, ketchup, that's what I needed. Oh well, I guess I'll just eat my hot dogs with mustard. I should have bought some bread.

Friggan Awesome Blog

2011-12-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

This Blog is Rated PG-13 (only slightly though)

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, what do all of these words have in common? If you said that they all end with the word "day" than congratulations, your mom would be proud. But there is a second but perhaps less obvious answer. All of these words were created to honor gods. For example, Friday was named after Frigga, the goddess of married love. I know what you're probably thinking, "that's pretty Friggan awesome," and I would agree.

Do you have a friend with a venereal disease? On second thought, don't answer that. "Venereal" is however yet another example of an ancient god in modern culture. The word "venereal" is named after the goddess Venus, the god of sexual love. I know that the thought of venereal diseases in unpleasant so for just a dollar....you can find an example of yet another ancient god. Horus, his entire body didn't make the cut but his eye does make a guest appearance on the back of the one dollar bill.

Do you celebrate Easter, ever been to Minerva, Ohio, seen a show performed at the Apollo Theater, eaten a Mars candy bar, had a muse, ever had something made of vulcanized rubber, or suffered a panic attack? All of these things were named after ancient gods.

So the question is this, as a Christian do I need to either rename all of these things or never again, eat a Mars candy bar, celebrate Easter, feel the emotion of panic, call the days of the week by their names, get a venereal disease or go anywhere named Minerva? Now, the last part may be easy because Minerva Ohio is over 200 miles away, and not getting a venereal disease is just a good idea in general but the rest of these things may prove to be rather inconvenient. After all, Minerva Kentucky is much closer and I don't know what to call Sunday if I can't call it Sunday anymore. I could try to give it a Christian name and call it Jesusday but I'm afraid that may just confuse people. So what is the solution?

The apostle Paul put it this way in 1 Corinthians 8

"So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that “An idol is nothing at all in the world” and that “There is no God but one.” For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”), yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live. But not everyone possesses this knowledge. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat sacrificial food they think of it as having been sacrificed to a god, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do."

In other word's, it doesn't matter. The issue is not if you call it Friday, or Easter but rather do you worship the goddess Frigga or the goddess Easter? If you can say no than feel free to keep the names because it doesn't matter. As Paul would say, eat but worship but worship the true God.

I Got What Ya Want, I Got Wat Ya Need

2011-11-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

I'm single and facebook knows it. It's my fault, I told them. Apparently facebook finds this to be a correctable problem though because a high percentage of my personalized ads are for dating sights. "Single and looking?" "Mature women," "Single Parents," they have them all. "Looking for a Relationship in Cincinnati," Yea that's right, they know where I live too. It's my fault, I told them.

But what if I were engaged? How would that change facebooks view of me. Yesterday I changed my relationship status to engaged. And what was the new facebook ad of choice? Credit Cards. I must admit, I found this to be both amusing and slightly disturbing. Apparently facebook thinks that I can't afford to get married. Just in case marriage is affordable facebook has also suggested that perhaps I should also get a new car. I'm not sure about this whole being engaged thing. Being engaged is starting to get expensive and I haven't even found the girl yet. Maybe I'll go back to being single. At least those ads had pictures of unrealistically attractive "girls in my area."

Breastplate of Laser Tag

2011-11-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

And another fun filled 5-8th grade Thrive class has come to an end. We spent 10 weeks playing games, doing worksheets, acting silly, eating snacks, and most importantly learning about the armor of God. This week, to celebrate, we all went to Skallywags and played three games of laser tag. There were 11 kids and me. Laser tag is fun. It is fun if your a kid and it is fun if your an adult. The first team we played were the latter and we destroyed them. Quite frankly I was surprised at how well the kids did. The second game they split us in half and the third we once again played the young adults as a team.

We lost. The grown ups beat us this time, kind of. They cheated. They cheated a lot. One of their players in particular covered his front target with a sweatshirt and turned his back one so that it was facing inward. Quite frankly I was surprised. The guy who was running the place asked him multiple times to fix it but to no avail. After the game ended I found out that some of their other players were grabbing the kids vests and then shooting them. Nearly every one of my kids came out of the game saying the same thing, "Wow, they cheated." The guy who was running the place apologized for the other teams behavior. It's too bad that the other team wasn't in Thrive because if the had been they would know about a piece of equipment that was much better than a laser tag vest. It's called a Breastplate of Righteousness. Luckily all of my kid were wearing theirs and choose to do the right thing. They didn't retaliate by cheating, they didn't call names and they didn't complain. They left smiling knowing who really won. No matter what the numbers said, the kids won the last game because they chose to do the right thing.

TV Hot List

2011-11-16T11:49:00.001-08:00

Now and again people ask me what kind of girl I am looking for. I don't know how to answer that question. None the less, here are some lovely ladies from TV that I find attractive. A large percentage of what I find attractive about them is their personalities (or at least the ones that they protray on their respective shows). This is a short list because I don't particularly like most of the ladies on TV. These are in no specific order.

Dharma - Dharma and Gregg

Pam - The Office

Danielle - American Pickers

Whitney - Whitney

Because Every Little Girl Should Have a Doll

2011-11-06T16:02:00.001-08:00

Being a kids pastor I get the opportunity to talk to so many amazing children. Children are so often underestimated. Their passion is written off and their ideas ignored. After all, they are just kids. But they aren't "just" kids. Kids aren't just potentially good adults. Kids can be great right now.

There is one little girl in my class who had a big idea. You see, there are little girls in the hospital who don't have any dolls, and every little girl should have a doll. So she had an idea. She would knit hats and scarves. She makes them for dolls and she makes them for people. For $10 you get a set. For every $100 she earns she buys an American Girl Doll and gives it to a little girl in the hospital who doesn't have one. So far she has bought 2 or 3 dolls.

Her dad told me that this was all her idea. It's a big idea that could have been blown off. After all, she is just a kid. But with the support of her parents she is doing it. She is changing the world one American Girl doll at a time. I can't wait to get my hat.

Bowling with Bumpers

2011-08-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

I’m not a good bowler. In fact, I’m quite terrible. Not only am I not good at it, my friends mock my bowling style. They say I look like a monkey. I’ll never forget years ago when I took a girl bowling for our first date and I bowled a 55. I’m lucky I got a second date after a performance like that. I never did get a third date though, she got engaged and not to me. If only I had bowled with bumpers.

Saturday, for the first time in my life I did just that, I bowled with bumpers and it was great. No more embarrassing gutter balls. Sure, I still bowl like a limp wristed orangutan but the results are now quite different. Now instead of getting gutter balls I hit the pins. And it’s not that I don't deserve the gutter balls. I do. While I was bowling I couldn’t help but think about the concept of Grace.

Grace is getting something great even though you don’t deserve it. Grace isn’t earned. Grace is bouncing your bowling ball off of the bumper and getting a strike.Thank God for bumpers, thank God for grace.

Making Money Online - Profit Margin

2011-08-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

So you say you want to make money online? It's possible, I make a living selling online. But if you do it incorrectly you can loose more than you make. Let's look at a little something called profit margin. In this blog we will focus on the 3 major online markets for resale to a national market.
Ebay.com
Half.com
Amazon.com

Let's say you have a CD that you don't listen to anymore and you would like to sell it and get a few bucks. If you sell the CD for $9.99 how much do you make? Let's break it down.

Ebay
Sale Price: $9.99
Listing Fee: $.50 (30 day buy it now sale )
Finale Value Fee: $1.30
Paypal Fee: $.59
Profit: $7.60

Half
Sale Price: $9.99
Listing Fee: None
Finale Value Fee: $1.50
Profit: $8.49

Amazon
Sale Price: $9.99
Listing Fee: None
Finale Value Fee: $ 3.29
Profit: $6.70

As you can see there is a large discrepancy between how much you make when you sell your CD on Amazon vs Half vs Ebay. But there's more. Amazon credits you $2.98 for shipping a CD while Half only credits you $2.39. On eBay you get to set your own shipping cost. But even after taking that into account Half is still by far the best value for selling your $9.99 CD.

But what if you don't want to sell a $9.99 CD? What if you want to sell a $999 flat screen television that you got for Christmas but never took out of the box. Half doesn't sell flat screen tv's so they aren't an option. That leaves you picking between ebay and amazon. Let's break it down.

Ebay
Sale Price: $999
Listing Fee: $.50 (30 day buy it now sale )
Finale Value Fee: $54.45
Paypal Fee: $.29.27
Profit: $915.28

Amazon
Sale Price: $9.99
Listing Fee: None
Finale Value Fee: $81.36
Profit: $917.64

In this instance it looks like Amazon is the best choice. But is it? What about shipping? Amazon sets a flat cost for shipping while ebay allows you to calculate it by the buyers distance. In this instance Ebay is still most likely the better value. So, is your head now hurting from all of these numbers? You're probably asking yourself "How am I supposed to figure this all out?" It's easy. There are calculators that do it for you and here they are. Now go make some money.

eBay Fees Calculator
Half Fees Calculator
Amazon Fees Calculator

Famous IQs

2011-08-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

The IQs of Famous People:

Muhammad Ali

Andy Warhol

George Bush Sr.

Howard Stern

105

Janeane Garofalo

Ronald Reagan

110

Al Franken

114

Kobe Bryant

122

Courtney Cox

123

George W. Bush

John Kerry

132

Jodie Foster

Nicole Kidman

133

John McCain

134

Al Gore

135

Arnold Schwarzenegger

137

Bill Clinton

140

Hillary Rodham Clinton

"Madonna"

Shakira

142

Steve Martin

143

Scott Levy "Raven"

147

Rush Limbaugh

150

Ben Sten

Bill O'Reilley

151

Bill Gates

152

Paul Allen

154

Sharon Stone

156

Jimmy Carter

160

Stephen William Hawking

Quinton Tarantino

187

Bobby Fischer

190

Philip Emeagwali

A Cowboy hat kind of Day

2011-08-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Today I wore a cowboy hat to the park. It just felt like a cowboy hat kind of day. Plus I was going to a Westside festival (The Delhi Skirt Game) and I didn't want to blend in. Heaven forbid anyone mistake me for a regular Westsider. I'm not really a regular anything though so I guess that's a given. I saw a ton of people that I knew, some that I recognized and some that were dressed in drag. When a guy in a wig and makeup waves at you and says remember me from church it can catch you a bit off guard. I did remember him but it took me a couple of minutes because I had to re-imagine him without the blond wig, eye makeup and skirt. I even met some new people which is something I tend to do. The cowboy hat helps with that as well.

Fast forward to the end of the night because the rest was pretty uneventful. I was leaving. You're not allowed to live there because it's a park and those are the rules. I was getting close to my car when I started to pass by a large group of teenagers. The guys were angry and the girls were antagonistic. If you know me well than you know I have a strict, "no fighting in front of Dan," rule so I stopped to observe. I'm a bit ADD so after about 30 seconds I quit observing and got involved. I talked the one guy down and got yelled at by a very angry teenager girl. That girl was day time television material. I can't remember exactly what she said but it was something along he lines of, "You don't know me." which coincidentally I agree with. One of the other girls told me that she liked my hat. I liked her better. Another guy started yelling at the casual observers to walk away. This was the perfect opportunity to tell him about my rule. "You do understand that I can't walk away and let a couple of kids punch each other. I just can't let that happen." He assured me that it wouldn't. He seemed like a nice kid but I didn't believe him.

I'm pretty good with angry teenagers. You would be surprised what you can do with the right words, a Cowboy hat and an excessive amount of confidence. The first guy started to walk away only to be pursued by the antagonist. He got up in his face and challenged him in the typical punk kid way, "hit me, go ahead, you flexin? hit me." Apparently, "flexin," is a term used to describe the act of trying to impress a girl. I kind of like that term. It reminds me of a couple of gorillas banging their chests but I regress.

I needed to go home so this was as good a time as any to put this situation to rest. I stepped in between them and said with my best authoritative voice, "Walk away. Both of you, walk away." I pointed just in case either of them were unclear as to were away was. And that was that. Since I made them both walk away, no one lost and both of them saved face. It was the perfect solution. Then, I went home.

That Feeling

2011-07-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to describe that feeling. Some people live for it. They seek it out at all costs. When your young you feel it much more often. Some people, when they get older, they go so long without it that they forget what it's like. It's something very similar to nervousness, a knot in the stomach. Your heart rate goes up, the adrenaline pumps through your body and you can't think about anything else. Tunnel vision ensues. There it is, you want it, you need it. But it's not yours yet. There needs to be a plan. There will be risk. There has to be risk, but how much? How much risk is acceptable? And let us not forget about the competition. There has to be. It's part of the game. It lends to the excitement, it heightens the thrill. But will you get it? Will this feeling end in victory or bitter defeat? Both are distinct possibilities. Neither can be ruled out. Only time will tell but until then, the feeling.

Sometimes I forget that that feeling exists and other times I can't get rid of it. I love that feeling, I hate that feeling. And when you least expect it, it manifests. Do you ever get that feeling?

Premonitions

2011-07-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

It was one of the more eerie experiences in my life. It happened years ago but I still remember it. I was getting ready to pull out of a parking lot but was waiting on the car in front of me. Then, out of nowhere I had this thought, "I'm glad I'm not them because they are getting ready to wreck their car."The y pulled out, and BAM a car hit them. Was it just a strange coincidence or did I actually know? Are premonitions real and where do they come from?

How do you make a paragraph break on facebook

2011-06-26T21:42:00.001-07:00

How do you make a paragraph break on facebook?

Hold the shift key while you push Enter

Shy

2011-06-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Although it may be hard to believe, when I was a kid I was very shy. I was a nice kid and I was a smart kid but I was not a popular kid. Being small and timid I was an easy target for bullies. I can still remember most of my bullies. I had church bullies and I had neighborhood bullies. I'm not sure which were worse. Bullies, at times, made life miserable.

They say that everything in life, both good and bad, helps to shape who you are and I am no exception. At a very young age, in reaction to being bullied, I can remember saying to my parents, "When I'm big I'm going to be nice to little kids." Even as a little kid I realized that bullying was a vicious cycle that I wanted no part of.

I recently asked my mom why she thought I quit being shy and she told me, "At some point you just decided that you liked who you were and you didn't really care what other people thought."

I remember I started to quit caring in my teenage years. I came to grips that I was never going to be like everyone else and that wasn't a defect. I was who I was and I was awesome. There was no real ah ha moment for me. I guess it was just a matter of gradually gaining confidence. Outgrowing my bullies helped as well. As a teenager I expressed my individuality through my comics, they were strange, and the way I dressed which wasn't quite main stream. I was a little punk rock, a little goth and a lot Dan. But, I was still pretty shy.

At around 18 I started doing a little bit of public speaking. I would sub in and teach Sunday School occasionally which progressed into teaching in my youth group and then later at youth conferences. As it turned out I enjoyed being in front of people. Also at around that same age I joined my churches drama team which really helped me to come out of my shell. I had been performing in front of people since I was 12 but I was always in a costume or behind a stage with a puppet. Now people could see me and I liked it. As time when by I became more and more outgoing. I don't think I became as outgoing as I am today until I was in my early 20s. I guess I was a late bloomer. I was eccentric, I was funny, I did my own thing, I was the Dan. Hi, my name is Dan and I'm not very shy.

Top 10 Things your Facebook Status Should NOT Say

2011-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

There are certain things that, in my opinion, your facebook status updates should not include. Here are the top 10.

10. The lyrics from any song that has never been played on the radio. How is anyone supposed to know what you're talking about if no one has ever heard the song? It may sound cool to you but to everyone else it just looks like you're writing bad poetry about your depression.

9. Warnings letting everyone know that facebook has decided to start deleting inactive accounts. If you're older than 10 you should know better.

8. Inside jokes. I know you think that you're hilarious but to everyone else you're just posting the babblings of an idiot.

7. Your tragic breakup if it has happened between you and the same person more than once in the last two months. Seriously, get counseling or something.

6. Anything that involves bowel movements. Your constipation is an issue between you and your favorite brand of bran cereal. I understand that it's painful but I really don't want to hear about it.

5. Spam app adds. Enough said.

4. Anything written in Webspeak. I feel like I'm trying to decipher cryptograms when I read that junk.

3. Inspirational sayings more than once a day. I get it, you're inspiring, good job.

2. What the weather is like where you are vacationing. I'm not there and I don't care.

1. The word "Drama." Are you really tired of all of the "Drama?" Please tell me more. No seriously, don't.

Mosh Pits and other things that my Mom doesn't understand

2011-06-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

When I was 16 there was one thing that was certain. If I was at a concert I was not standing in the back. Now this certainly wasn't due to my getting there early or careful planning. I made it to the front by pushing and I when I pushed I pushed hard. There wasn't a crowd that I couldn't push my way to the front of. Pushing was part of the fun. Just getting to the front wasn't good enough though. Once I got there I would often climb onto the stage with the band and then jump off backwards into the crowd. I was a crowd surfing addict. Moshing was my favorite though. There was no smell more sweet than that of grass and sweat. 100s of overly aggressive teenagers and young adults running full speed into each other with no real goal in mind. It was amazing.

I'm a bit older now and I haven't moshed in years. I'm just not as aggressive as I was in my teens and early 20s. I do however enjoy watching other people do it. Here are two videos that I took at a couple of recent concerts. The first one shows the "Wall of Death." The second one shows two small kids going one on one. These kids were much too small to partake in the normal mosh pit so when they went one on one the crowd went wild.

How Much Does a Televangelist's House Cost?

2011-06-13T11:26:00.001-07:00

The Joyce Meyer Family Compound

Have you ever wondered what kind of house a televangelist lives in? According to my research the answer is big and expensive.

Joel Osteen
Square Footage: 17,000
Bedrooms: 6
Bathrooms: 6
Other: 3 Elevators, 5 wood burning fireplaces, 1 bedroom guest house & pool house
Location: Tall Timbers subdivision in River Oaks, Harris County Texas
Value: 10.5 million
(Information provided by 2010 Houston's Daily Digital Magazine)

Paul and Jan Crouch
Square Footage: 9,500
Bedrooms: 6
Bathrooms:9
Other: 1 Elevators, 6 car garage, tennis court, pool with fountain,
Location: Newport Beach, California
Value: 5 million
Other Residence: The TBN network owns 30 homes

Kenneth Copeland
Square Footage: 18,280
Other: Boat dock with three slips,
Location:Tarrant County, Texas
Value: 6.45 million
Additional Information: Property owned by church and is tax exempt

Creflo (Augustus) Dollar
Location: 4695 Hamden Forest Trail, Atlanta
Value: over 1 million

Additional Residence:
Location: 1811 Sandy Creek, Fayetteville, Georgia
Value: $2 million

Paula And Randy White
Square Footage: 8,072
Other: Tampa Bay waterfront view, in ground pool and spa,
Location: 4301 Bayshore Boulevard, Tampa, FL
Value: 2.68 million
Additional Information: Randy White took soul ownership after divorce

Additional Residence: Condo
Location: Trump Towers, NY
Value: 3.5 million

Benny Hinn
Square Footage: 7,200
Bedrooms: 7
Other: 5 car garage
Location: Dana Point, CA
Value: 3 million
(Information provided by Dateline NBC - originally reported as 10 car garage)

Joyce Meyer
Square Footage: 10,000
Bedrooms: 6
Bathrooms: 5
Other: Guest house with disconnected 8 car garage, pool, pool house, putting green,
Location: near Interstate 270 and Gravois Road, St. Louis County
Value: 1.85 million

Additional Residence: Lakefront Home
Location: Porto Cima at Lake of the Ozarks
Value: 500,000

Eddie Lee Long
Square Footage:
Bedrooms: 6
Bathrooms: 9
Location: Lithonia, GA
Value: 1.4 million

T.D. Jakes
Square Footage: 15,000
Bedrooms: 7
Other: Swimming Pool, 4 Car Garage,
Location: White Rock Lake area of Dallas
Value: 2.6 million

Now you've seen my crib no get the "Hell" out of here.

Making the Cut

2011-06-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

In my parents house there are 3 spots that have family pictures. There is the mantle place in the dinning room, the mantle place in the living room and on top of the piano. Upon close examination I have discovered that of the 17 pictures I am only in two. One of those pictures is about 10 years old and features me standing in a tree. The other is one of my sister Faith's wedding where I am one of the 8 people featured.

Apparently if you want to be in more than two pictures you need to be married. Even my brother in laws have equal booking to me. My fear is that when my Sister Grace has her baby, my parents first grand kid, I will no longer make the picture cut. One by one my pictures will be systematically replaced with that of a drooling baby. And with only two pictures that won't take very long. But that's ok, I have a plan. I have three plans.

PLAN A: Get a Kitten
In this plan I get a cute little kitten and take 100s of pictures of me holding it next to my face. If I take enough then perhaps one will be cute enough to at least make it on the piano. The real flaw with this plan is that I am deathly allergic to cats. With my face swelled, the pictures will most more than likely resemble that of Quasimoto eating a kitten. That's not too cute.

PLAN B: Get a Baby
In this plan I get a baby. Now the downfalls of this plan are quite obvious, I'm stuck with a kid for the next 18 years. With a little creative thinking this plan is however quite plausible. Instead of acquiring my own baby I will wait 7 months and borrow my sisters. Surely if I have a picture of me with my parents first grand kid that would be worthy of display. However, I have found that people usually prefer pictures of babies with their mothers. I'm not sure why that is but it seems the tradition.

PLAN C: Get Married
Um, yea.

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

2011-06-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it you surely will."
- Abraham Lincoln

I was flipping through the channels today when I came across what I consider to be one of the greatest movies ever made. If I were to pick the one movie that I felt had the greatest impact on my life it would be this one.

If you are unfamiliar with the 1960 Disney classic Pollyanna then I suggest that you go out and rent it immediately. The movie is about an overly optimistic pre-teen girl named Pollyanna who moves into a town of pessimists and revolutionizes their lives. Is it cheesy? Of course it is, it's 1960s Disney. Will it make your rethink your outlook on life? If it doesn't then your not paying very close attention.

At a very young age this movie taught me three very important lessons:.
1) Happiness is a choice.
2) Optimism is infectious and
3) One person can make a difference.

Did you know that there are 800 "glad" passages in the Bible? According to Pollyanna there are and if the Lord took the trouble to tell us 800 times that he wants us to rejoice, then He must really mean it. I think the Lord did mean it. So often optimistic people are looked at as being crazy or unrealistic. But, if God tells us to rejoice then shouldn't we be rejoicing. And if we aren't then doesn't that mean that we are disobeying the Lord (aka sinning)? Pessimism is not an option.

Here let me teach you a game that if played correctly will change your life

pollyannaish -expecting the best in this best of all possible worlds; "in an optimistic mood"; "optimistic plans"; "took an optimistic view"

The Art of the Dance - Negotiating the Price

2011-05-31T21:06:00.001-07:00

The art of the dance, negotiating a price is an important part of what I do. This comes into play in both buying and selling. Tonight I danced as the seller. A guy drove an hour and a half from Dayton to look at bicycle that I had for sale. Since he contacted me right after I listed the bike and he came that night at 11pm to see it, I knew he was serious. This guy had obviously done a lot of dancing since he used nearly every move there is to get a lower price. The starting price was $1,100. I told him before he came that I would do $1,000 cash. He arrived and the dance began

1) Pointing out the flaws: This is usually the first and best move used in negotiating a price. I use it a lot. The light is missing, the front break doesn't work and the back wheel has a lot of pitting. Stating how much it will cost to fix the item is also important. $100 will buy a new light but how much will it will cost to fix the break is unknown. I could tell he really liked the bike so that didn't deter me. After all, he had driven 1 and a half hours to look at it.

2) I'm Already Here: Pointing out the fact that you are there and you have cash is another good strategy. The old "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush" move. Wouldn't you rather have the cash today?

3) The other One: In this strategy you tell the seller that you are also planning on looking at another similar item. This let's the seller know that you have choices. In this instance he told me that he was planning on looking at a similar bike that was museum quality and only cost $200 more. This didn't work because his story had holes. At first he told me that the other bike was a 1947 and later said it was a 1952. He also told me that the owner owned a bicycle museum. This was also an indicator that he was bluffing because if the owner had such a vast knowledge of bicycles than he would know that one in the condition that he was talking about would be worth over 2 grand.

4) I Don't Have a Lot of Money to Spend: Pointing out that this purchase will significantly impact your finances and you only have a limited amount of cash can sometimes help in the negotiation. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't buy something that has this kind of affect on your finances so this one doesn't work with me.

5) I Have Kids: This is a last ditch effort. This buyers kids were sleeping in the car. He said that his family may be eating bologna for a while after this purchase. I said that didn't sound so bad.

6) Meeting in the Middle: Giving up on the lower price and agreeing to up your offer to half of the difference. This one worked and I sold it to him for $925.

The Moth Presents Edgar Oliver: Apron Strings of Savannah

2011-05-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

I first saw this gentleman as a customer in the store Obscura on the show Oddities. Oddities is one of my favortie shows on tv and I found this gentleman to be quite facinating. So after a bit of seraching I found this performance that he did at the Moth. This is a 16 minute long video but I found it to be quite fantastic.

13 and Tattooed

2011-05-27T19:28:00.001-07:00

Although I may look like a throw back version of a Rock and Roll drummer from the 80s, I have none of the typical marks associated with such. I've always felt that getting a tattoo was just too big of a commitment. I'm not opposed to them but I have no desire to get one myself.

In my opinion, if an adult gets a tattoo that is their business. Until just last week I assumed that adults were the only people who had tattoos or at least professionally done ones. I assumed that teenagers with more time than sense did on occasion give themselves prison style tattoos hidden in discrete locations never to be discovered by their parents. Small and badly done they would most likely fade with time. And of course I've known plenty of teenagers with piercings. Some with holes in their lips others their eyebrows and plenty more with various size gaps adorning their ear lobes but never professional tattoos.

But that all changed when I recently attended an 8th grade graduation. There I saw multible kids with professionally done tattoos. The girl sitting in front of me looked to be 16 and had nearly her entire leg covered in brightly covered artwork. Even more surprising than that though was one of the kids in the graduation class, an 8th grader. He had a series of large stars going up his neck. 13 and tattooed? It seems a bit crazy to me. How young is too young to get a tattoo?

And the punch line is... eBay Seller Support

2011-05-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Here is the later part of the transcript:

Melissa O.

We really do appreciate your loyalty , if you feel this policy violation is incorrect you will need to reply back to the email we have sent you in your eBay messages.

Our trust and safety team will review it , and get back with you on their decision.

dan

Why do I need to do that when I am talking to you and you are part of the VERO department

Melissa O.

I apologize I am not the VERO dept. < i handle all prohibited items taken off our site.

They do have another area , but do not take Live Chats at this time.

That is why you will need to write into them

dan

Oh I know, VERO is the only departent that can make decisions yet they are not available via chat or via the phone. The only way to contact that them is through eMail and it takes 48 hoursto get a reply. By the time you talk to them it's been a full week and the restriction is lifted. I've been a member for 11 years, I am quite aware of how things work. Does that sound accurate to you?

Melissa O.

Great! I am very grateful you do understand our process and can understand why we have policys in place. We have an operation to follow about the procedures we have to follow and guidelines. I do hope you can respect where we as a company is coming from. Correct.

dan

Wait, are you kidding me? You agree that the only department that can make decisions is purposely made virtually impossible to communicate with?

Melissa O.

I understand your concern ,i do apologize that i cannot help you any further than i can at this point, if i could i would. Sorry about that . i will forward on your comments to a supervisor and have this addressed.

dan

Everytime I've had a concern forwarded to a supervisor I was not contacted. Who can I speak to who has the authority to have my selling reinstated via chat or the phone.

Melissa O.

One moment , i will get you a phone number to our Customer support .

Call us at 866-907-3229.
For faster service use the following PIN: ####### (expires in 15 mins)

dan

and when I call this number will I be connected to a representive who has the authrity to reenstate my selling. in the past I've been transfered 3 or 4 times and after talking to each person they pawned me off to the next person because they couldn't help me

Melissa O.

Sorry about the trouble , yes they are specifically trained to help you with this concern.

dan

And what department will I be speaking with.

Melissa O.

this is our main customer support , if they cannot address , they have the ability to get you to a representative that can.

Well i'd thank you for contacting eBay live Chat today! Daniel Please feel free to click on the "exit" when you are ready to close. I hope You can get this resolved quickly. You Have a great rest of your day!

dan

I already talked to them and they told me to talk to you.

I am not interested in ending this chat.
Please transfer me to someone who can resolve this issue.

Melissa O.

Ok , daniel i have given you all the information i can , at this point i cannot lift the restriction as much as i would like to. You will need to take the VERO tutorial i informed you about earlier , that is the first step in processing your selling lift.

Sorry i cannot transfer you from Chat.

Unfortunately , you would need to disconnect and come back!

dan

Come back to where or who?

I did take the VERO tutorial. I did it while I was talking to you. No offense but it had absolutely nothing to do with selling autographs.

Melissa O.

You would log back in , go to contact us , live chat to get a representative , but they will be giving you the same information as i have.

Not sure on who that will be.

dan

How would talking to someone else in the same department be helpful?

Melissa O.

I can see this is very frustrating today, i do wish you the best on our site, you do a great job as a seller, and i think we have come to an impass. i will need to disconnect this chat. You have a good day! i really hope this gets resolved for you quickly. Thanks for contacting eBay live chat!

Melissa O. has left this session!

The session has ended!

Feel the Burn

2011-05-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

I admit, I don't often push myself physically. I move but I don't move much. Today was another story all together. My brother Phil called me a few weeks back to tell me that he had entered us in a scavenger hunt where the grand prize was a car. I wouldn't mind having a new car, I like games, and I like my brother so I was excited. The game started at the Great American Ballpark downtown and used an app to lead you to locations all over the city where you answer questions.

I'm not in quite as good of shape as my brother but I am happy to say that for the most part I kept up. For two hours we ran, up and down the streets of Cincinnati. I felt like death. I had blisters on my feet and my legs burned. I was breathing hard but still I ran. Clue after clue after clue and when it was all over we knew that we didn't win. We could have, if we would have made a couple of changes to our strategy early on but still, we were confident that we at least placed top 10%. That is until after it was all over and we sat down in the stadium to eat. The team next to us told us how many points they had and it was a lot. They weren't the most in shape couple of people and yet they claimed that they had beat us by a significant amount. If they had beat us than I was pretty confident that a lot of people had beat us.

Well, they lied. We demolished them and out of the over 250 teams we placed 9th. For all of you math nerds that's top 3%. So, no we didn't win a car but I'm still very happy with how we did. As it turns out despite eating junk food and not exercising, I'm it fairly good shape. We Thoms hustle and we hustle hard. I'm proud of us.

My Van Celebrates Opposite Day

2011-05-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

It was early in the morning and I was on my way to an auction. This was the morning that I was going to hit it big, I may even retire. But then again I wake up every morning with that same expectation. The highway traffic was bad and I was running late but the end was in site. Just as I got in the clear my check engine light went on and I lost my power steering. I coasted off the exit, pulled over and popped my hood.

The fuel gauge showed a full tank but the oil light had blinked momentarily so I pulled out the dipstick. There was obviously something wrong because the dipstick wasn't giving me an accurate reading. I tried to remove the oil cap but to no avail. I called my Dad and he said I had better call a tow truck.

$80 later I was home. I managed to pry my oil cap off and it looked bad, it was low and there was what the experts call "mayo" in there. So, I called my dad, I searched the internet and I did a complete oil change. The car forum prophets of doom foretold a bleak future for my pretty little minivan. ,Never the less I again tried to start my van. Still nothing so for what was probably the 5th time that day I called my Dad. As he was in the middle of explaining spark plugs to me I had a moment of inspiration, a fleeting moment of pure genius. I laughed. Suddenly I knew what was wrong. Yes, my van did have a faulty part. It had a bad fule guage. Yes, for the first time in my life I had run out of gas.

The Devil Wears a Beak

2011-05-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

Squirrels, rabbits, fish, chipmunks and most other animals don't bother me. We have an understanding. I don't mess with them and they don't mess with me. Birds, however, are a different story. My problem with birds started many years ago. I lived in an apartment and behind my apartment lived a rooster. The rooster was evil incarnate and woke me up nearly every Saturday morning. Cock-a-doodle-do is much more quaint when heard in the context of Little House on the Prairie. On one occasion I became so enraged that I ran down three flights of stairs in my pajamas and chased the rooster around the parking lot. That was many years ago though so I thought that the bird world had forgiven me for threatening one of their own. I was wrong.

In front of my house there is a tiny tree and in that tiny tree lives the devil. Satan has taken the form of a bird. This is quite unusual since the Lord of Darkness generally prefers to posses snakes and other such creepy crawlers. But for me he has made an exception. I first encountered the beaked devil about a week ago. I was walking to my van when all of a sudden I heard the flutter of wings. And then, before I understood what was happening, I was pecked. I ran, I ran for my life. I could see the bird following me, flying at face level. I had seen the classic Hitchcock movie the Birds so I knew what this winged devil wanted. He wanted blood, my blood. I guarded my face with my backpack as I ran, quickly glancing behind me. When I got to the street I stopped and looked up. The bird had stopped chasing me and was now sitting on the phone line staring at me with his beady little eyes, waiting for me to let my guard down. I could see the wheels in his tiny little bird head turning. He wanted to peck my eyes out. I wanted to keep my eyes so once again I put my backpack in front of my face and slowly walked backwards to my van.

And this was no isolated event. Over the course of the next few days this evil bird would shoot out of the tree as I walked by. Sometimes he would peck me and other times he would just sit and stair, daring me to make a move. I even tried walking all the way around my house to avoided the devils lair and was met by his evil stairs as he waited for me on the other side. Recently I have noticed that the bird now has an apprentice, a smaller bird that follows him around. And now I have two birds that shoot out of the tree, startling me into a brisk sprint. I'm considering having the bird exercised but I've been unable to track down a credentialed animal exorcist. Perhaps shooting it would be a viable solution. I wonder if a regular BB would kill it or if I will need to get one made out of pure silver? I may have to do some more research before I am rid of the devil with a beak.

Homeschoolers: Sheltered and Socially awkward?

2011-05-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

When my mom started homeschooling me in 1987, homeschooling was far from the norm. In fact, according to a 1985 Gallup poll, 73% of Americans were opposed to homeschooling. Growing up I only knew a few other kids who were homeschooled and those kids were my brother and sisters. Outside of my family I can't remember ever knowing another kid who went to school at home. According to some estimates, at that time, there were less than 50,000 homeschoolers in the US (some estimates put it as high as 200,000). By most peoples standards, my mom was one of the pioneers in the American homeschooling movement. The few people who came before us often found themselves fighting the government for the right to educate their children at home. One homeschooling family that my Mother spoke with early on had their kids taken away from them for 6 months after being charged with truancy. My mother was truly at the forefront of a powerful and exciting movement.

Being that when I was young homeschooling was still a relatively new concept people were prone to make assumptions as to what kind of people we were. As a child I was asked the same questions dozens if not hundreds of times. The three most prevalent assumptions that were made about my siblings and I were that we:
1) Were sheltered
2) Would grow up to be socially awkward
3) Wouldn't be able to make it in a "real" school.

In retrospect I'm sure that all of our naysayers are now convinced of their folly but at the time their bad logic was the prevalent point of view. All of my siblings did eventually join a "normal" school, I in 11th grade and my brothers and sisters in 9th.

Now to answer their questions. Were we all able to make friends in "normal" school? Yes. Were we able to make it academically? Yes, in fact I believe we all graduated with honors. Were we all able to make it in the real, unsheltered world? Yes, the exception being my youngest sister who is graduating from high school this year. She hasn't joined the real world yet but I'm sure she will be just fine. Did we all turn into well adjusted human beings who are intelligent and well loved? Why yes we have. And if you're still worried that our life as sheltered homeschoolers may have left us with low self esteems then perhaps your reading comprehensions skills are lacking.

I am happy to say that homeschooling and the general public's opinion of it has changed tremendously over that last 24 years. At my church alone I know 14 kids who are homeschooled and tonight I attended a homeschooling event with dozens more. Homeschooling is even offered and aggressively advertised by the public school system. Granted, 54% of Americans are still opposed to homeschooling but that is none the less a dramatic improvement. With homeschooling increasing by 7-15% every year the future of homeschooling is bright. My hope is that in the near future the majority of Americans will have a favorable opinion of homeschooling and will in turn stop asking the same ignorant questions that I endured for years. I am proud to have been a non-sheltered, socially capable, well educated homeschooler.

Surprises

2011-05-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

I pulled up to my house tonight, after spending most of the evening with my parents and siblings, when I got a text message.

As I pulled in to my parking lot I got the first one. "Are you home?"

"Yes." I typed getting out of my car

I was curious as to what the next question was going to be. As I walked up the steps to my porch my phone vibrated again and I read. "Did you get a surprise?"

As I read my phone I looked down and there it was, a bag sitting on my porch. What was it? It was a surprise, that much I knew. I tore open the bag and there it was, a cake, an awesome little green cake. My phone range. "Did you get the cake. We bought it for you because it reminded us of you with it's hair. It's for your birthday."

Never in the history of surprises has there been a better timed series of text messages and phone calls. If I didn't know any better I would have said that they were using surveillance. Surprises are so much fun. It made me smile so big I was afraid my face would split in half. I'm thinking about wearing green sunglasses and eating cake for breakfast. I lived a charmed life.

On Turning 30

2011-05-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

It kind of snuck up on me. Being 30 is kind of strange. It's not that I actually feel any differently. I haven't suddenly developed sagging man breasts or crows feet. The only real difference is when someone asks me how old I am I have to say 30. I don't particularly love the idea but it is what it is. It has now been:

30 Years since I was born
18 Years Since I Graduated from Elementary School
12 Years Since I Graduated from High School
8 Years Since I Graduated from College
2 Years Since I went to my 10 Year High School Reunion
1 Year Since I quit my job
30 seconds since I've had a drink of clean water.

If your reading this than you are probably sitting within 15 feet of a clean water supply. Sadly that is not the case for everyone. There are currently 1 billion people in the world who do not have access to clean water. Every 19 seconds a baby dies due to an illness related to unclean water. That's why this year for my 3oth birthday I am asking my family and friends to help me in the fight to provide clean drinking water for the world. My family has agreed to, instead of buying me presents, to donate to this awesome cause. For just $20 you can give someone the gift of clean drinking water for life. I'm not just asking you to give. I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and will be matching the first $500 that is donated by my friends and family.

http://mycharitywater.org/p/campaign?campaign_id=15712

Water Changes Everything. from charity: water on Vimeo.

Cirque Du Soleil

2011-05-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a baby staring, eyes glazed over, fascinated by seeing a ceiling fan for the first time? That's how I felt watching Cirque Du Soleil. The only thing that I wish I could have seen is the expressions on my face because I'm quite positive that they were ridiculous. The acts defied both logic, the laws of thermodynamics and gravity. It's hard to put into words the strange and wonderful things that I saw. I'm fairly positive that if Spiderman would take off his mask and wear glittery makeup, they may give him a job. No guarantees though. This is the first time I've ever seen a group of 40 people who could all beat me in the limbo. The only down side is the price of the ticket and once you get there they punch you in the gut and make you pay and additional charge for parking. If you want a hot dog you may want to take out a second mortgage. It was worth the money though. These performers could kick Chuck Norri's butt. I'm glad I unclenched my Scrooge like hands and went to see it.

Why I'm a Pacifist

2011-05-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

Grown ups don't punch people. That is unless they are criminals or they participate in some sort of sport that involves fighting. I always thought that was was a fairly logical statement but not everyone agrees with me. Under normal circumstances, if one grown up punches another, it shows a complete lack of self discipline. After all, if nothing else, it's a crime to punch someone. I believe it is refereed to as assault. Pacifist or not, it is my belief, that most people can live their entire lives and never encounter a situation that requires them to act violently.

So, now for what is apparently one of my top two most controversial beliefs. Why am I a pacifist? The simple answer is because I feel that this is how God wants me to live. It's a personal conviction. I have never insisted that everyone should take the same stand as me in living a life of non-violence. Thus, personal conviction.

The second reason is equally simple. You don't have to have doctorate in divinity to know that Jesus lived a life of non-violence. He was the author of such controversial sayings as:

"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also." (Luke 6:27-31)

I understand that these are difficult verses to take at face value. There are a million scenarios where this seems like an impractical or irresponsible way to react. If someone was taking your best friend and mentor away to be unjustly put to death you may feel inclined to defend him by force. But, if your friend was Jesus he would say, put away your sword. I believe that God is sovereign and if he wants me to live a life of non-violence than his will will be done no matter the circumstance.

This is a blog, not a thesis paper so I won't delve into this any further. Perhaps by the dictionary definition I'm a true pacifist because I'm not going to take a stand against having a military or Mud Wrestling. At it's core my pacifism only really involves two people, God and me. So, if you would like to punch me in the face feel free. You wouldn't be the first person to do it. If you decided to do so I can assure you of two things. One I will not hit you back and two I will file assault charges.

Osama is Dead - Should I be Happy About This?

2011-05-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Osama bin laden is dead. Should this make me happy? I'm not sure if anyone's death should make me do a little dance. I remember, years ago, I won a shirt from one of the local radio stations that had Osama's face in a target. I only wore in once before I decided it was in bad taste. I understand that he was a mass murder and a terrorist but is it ever right to rejoice in someone going to hell.

The Cool Kid Commercials

2011-05-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

There is one specific line of commercials that I despise. They are know as the "cool kid" car commercials. I understand who the target demographic for these commercials is and I hate that this demographic exist. If your not familiar with these commercials they feature a "cool kid" whose parents are "cool parents" because they bought a "cool" family vehicle. It aggravates me to no end that there are parents out there who care if their kid thinks that they are cool to the degree where they would base their vehicle buying preferences on it.

In one commercial, the kid in the cool car pulls up next to the kid in the lame care. The kid in the lame care has dorky parents who sing the same stupid song for hours on end while the kid in the cool car has a headset and his own dvd player. The kid in the cool car tells the kid in the lame car that he pities him. Really? Give me a break. This kid's parents have raise an elitist, materialist, little brat. Shame on them. Not cool.

Chubby kid on Skates

2011-04-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

He was a chubby kid. His chipmunk cheeks were red and his face glistened from sweat. He had a death grip on the metal bar that surround the skating rink. One wobbly step at a time he skated the perimeter. His grip was not quite strong enough and his legs were continuously flying out from under him. One step, two steps, three steps, flat on his butt. His chubby little friend was equally bad which often caused slow speed accidents.

But no matter how bad this kid was, no matter how many times he fell flat on his butt, no matter how many times the other kids snickered as they skated by, he got up and kept trying. And strangely, I found his plite inspiring. There he was, by most peoples standards, a skating failure yet he kept at it. He didn't even seem to be showing improvement yet he kept trying. Something was motivating him to push past the snickering pre-teens that surrounded him. I want to, like him, to get up when I fall down and to keep trying. Fall down, try again, fall down, try again, fall down, try again...... I want to live my life like the chubby kid on skates.

A Witches Bible

2011-04-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

WARNING: I absolutely do not encourage anyone to read the book refereed to in this blog. The book talked about in this blog was disposed of after having owned it for only a few hours. This book does encourage acts that are contradictory to the true Bible, the word of God. The Bible does talk strongly against the practice of witchcraft.

I buy and sell 100s of books, and sometimes 1000s. Most of them are of no real interest and those that I haven't seen before blend into the stack with the rest. I did today happen upon a book that I had never seen before, "A Witches Bible." Now,I may get some slack for this but I did read a bit of it. It is over 600 pages long so I mostly just skimmed the chapter titles. The one chapter that I did read was called "Many Mansions." This chapter was about Paganism's relation to Christianity. This is the part that caught my eye.

"In trying to reach understanding with Christians who criticize the kind of work we set out to do, it is worth pointing out that Jesus told his followers to go forth and do just that: 'Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils' (Matthew x:8). Raising the dead may be beyond the capacity of most of us, but at least witches work hard at the other three, while with a few honorable exceptions Christians seem to have abandoned psychic healing altogether and have confined 'casting out devils' to a handful of licensed exorcists."

Although I think they are a bit off kilter in their statement, what they say does have an element of truth to it. "At least witches work hard at the other three." That's a statement worth considering. Why is that? If that is a true statement, why do witches pursue, although though false means, what all Christians should be seeking? Even though they are serving a false god (goddess), why are witches more motivated to desire the power to heal heal the sick, cleanse the lepers and cast out devils? If Christ said that those are the works that will follow his believers than shouldn't we desire to do them? If not than doesn't that mean that something is wrong? What's wrong?

Curvy Vs. Voluptuous

2011-04-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm a member of a free dating site. Yea, yea, shutup. So anyhow, under the advanced search you can choose "body type." These are the choices.

Prefer Not To Say	Slender	Athletic
Average	A Few Extra Pounds	Big & Tall/BBW
Muscular	Voluptuous	Petite
Well Proportioned	Thick	Big Guy
Curvy/Curvaceous	Full Figured

Ok, so some of these I understand. I know what Muscular, Athletic, Slender, Petite, Average and Athletic are. Here's where the confusion comes in. I feel like the rest of these options are purposely vague. What is the difference between Voluptuous and Thick? And what is the difference between Thick and Full Figured. And what in the world is Well Proportioned? Are Average women not Well Proportioned? If so that's terrible news for the average women. Big Guy? I'm looking for women. If she describes herself as a Big Guy than that's going to be a no go by me. And what is the tipping point between a Few Extra Pounds and Thick? I think this dating site needs to show some silhouettes that describe these check boxes. That would be very helpful.

I Talk a Lot

2011-04-20T19:23:00.001-07:00

I did it. This is the last post in my 30 day challenge. I took Ryan Detzel's challenge to blog for 30 days in a row and, amazingly, I made it. I was in a bit of a blogging slump. I felt that I had nothing to say. Anyone who knows me knows what a ridiculous statement that is. I always have something to say. I talk and talk and talk. Take tonight for example. My friend Jeremy fell asleep during Survivor so when it was over I walked to the door to leave, but then I ended up talking to his kids, and then after that to his wife, so an hour after I walked towards the door, I actually left. So, thanks Detzel. Enjoy this video of him accepting birthday ice cream at TGI Fridays even though it wasn't his birthday.

My Favorite Kids Book

2011-04-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

From the Heinemann First Library Bug Books series comes this classic.....

Does your head itch now?

Blocked

2011-04-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

So I decided to visit my blog today. The problem is, for some unknown reason, my web filter has decided to block my website. When I tried to go to it it gave me the message that the website that I am trying to view is categorized as porn. I must admit, for about 3 seconds I got worried. Was there porn on my blog? If there was I most certainly didn't post it. What if my blog was hijacked by evil off shore web surfing porn pirates who were using my sites immense popularity for porn peddling. So, I pulled out my handy dandy super duper smart phone and went to thedan.us and I have good news. My blog is still 100% porn free. It has not been taken over by evil off shore web surfing porn peddling pirates. I may need to contact my web filtering service to have them unblock my site.

I use a service called k9 web protection (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/) which I highly recommend to anyone who has kids. You can set your filters to eliminate anything from porn to witchcraft. You can even set timers to limit web access between certain hours to keep your kids from sneaking on at night. Its biggest flaw is of curse that fact that it is blocking thedan.us, a perfectly wholesome site.

Talking

2011-04-17T11:42:00.001-07:00

After church today I ran into one of the boys from kids church walking around in one of the hallways. I hadn't seen him in a little while so I stopped to say hi. He looked pretty down and when I asked how he was doing. He said, "alright." The funny thing about alright is that it does not mean all right. I guess that's why they are spelled differently. "So what's terrible?" I asked and he hit me with this.

"My Dad died."

"Wow, that is terrible, when did that happen." I replied, a bit shocked.

He shrugged and said, "During Spring break."

I can't even begin to imagine how painful it would be for your dad to die. My Dad's father died when he was around that same age. I wasn't sure how to reply to that so we just talked. His sister came by and she talked to. We didn't talk about death though, we talked about how jelly fish are 95% water and humans are 65% water. That's why it's so easy to get dehydrated. That's why after you brush your teeth you want a drink of water. It's because you loose moisture spitting. We talked about how they have photo ids for the Newport Aquarium. And I told them that I've never been there because my friend who I was going to go with had moved back to Brazil. We talked about a lot of fun stuff. I like talking.

That's Me!

2011-04-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

For the opening activity in kids church the kids were making a "love banner." The instructions were to draw someone that you love. I gave the examples of your mom or dad, or maybe your brother or sister. One of the little girls said that she was going to draw me. How fantastic is that? She drew the portrait, another little girl added the heart and a third wrote the title. Look at my beautiful blond hair. It's nice to be loved.

Mitch Hedberg

2011-04-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

This is one of my all time favorite stand up comedy routines.

100 Omelet Fillings

2011-04-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

Looking for a few new things to put in or on your next omelet? Well your in the right place. Here are 100 things to put in or on your next omelet. Know an item that I missed, have a favorite item from the list, leave a comment and let me know. If you like this list you may also want to check out my other list, 100 Hot Dog Toppings

1.Bell Peppers

2.Onions

3.Sausage

4.Bacon

5.Bacon Bits

6.Cinnamon

7.Salt & Pepper

8.Pepper

9.Turkey

10.Asparagus

11.Green Chili’s

12.Zucchini

13.Mushrooms

14.Tomatoes

15.Hot Sauce

16.Garlic

17.Shallot (Green Onions)

18.Poached Shrimp

19.Lobster

20.Truffle Oil

21.Cheddar Cheese

22.Steak

23.Hot Dogs

24.Syrup

25.Oregano

26.Seasoning Salt

27.Ketchup

28.Ham

29.Refried Beans

30.Fried Rice

31.Salsa

32.Potatoes

33.Kidney Beans

34.Worcestershire Sauce

35.Chili Powder

36.Mozzarella Cheese

37.Crab Meat

38.Beef Tips

39.Spinach

40.Nutmeg

41.Feta Cheese

42.Tuna

43.Black Olives

44.Dried Dill Weed

45.Sour Cream

46.Parmesan Cheese

47.Hash Browns

48.Flour Tortilla (chopped)

49.Monterey Jack Cheese

50.Avocado

51.Gorgonzola Cheese

52.Chives

53.Goat Cheese

54.Tarragon

55.Chervil

56.Scallions

57.Thyme

58.Jalapeno Peppers

59.Piquillo Peppers

60.Manchego Cheese

61.Creme Fraiche

62.Caviar

63.Eggplant

64.Currant Jelly

65.Powdered Sugar

66.Proscuitto

67.Smoked Salmon

68.Trout

69.Cream Cheese

70.Sliced Apples

71.Sliced Pears

72.Sliced Strawberry

73.Corn

74.Italian Sausage

75.Cucumbers

76.Dill

77.Brie

78 .Chorizo

79. Goetta

80.Corn Beef Hash

81.Shredded Pork

82.Pizza (chopped)

83.Beef Stew

84.Artichoke

85.Brioche

86.Hollandaise

87.Salami Bits

88.Sun Dried Tomatoes

89.Serrano Chile

90. Placate Sauce

91.Blueberries

92.Roasted Red Peppers

93.Pepper Jack Cheese

94.French Fries

95.Grilled Chicken

96.Curry Sauce

97.Leftover Takeout (Chinese, Japanese, Indian…)

98.Croutons

99. Huitlacoche

100. Butternut squash

Vote Today.... and tommorow...and the day after that

2011-04-13T12:47:00.001-07:00

My little sister Faith is auditioning to be one of the radio hosts on the Kiss 107 morning show. She needs lots of votes to get a chance to audition so please vote everyday. This is the perfect chance for her to talk and talk and talk and get paid to do it. We Thoms like the attention. CLICK HERE TO VOTE

20 Bacon Products that You've Never Heard Of

2011-04-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

20 Bacon Products that You've Never heard of

Because EVERYTHING is better with BACON

20. Bacon Caramel Filled Chocolate Eggs

19. Bacon Ice Cream

18. Bacon Donuts

17. Bacon Soda

16. Bacon Cologne

15. Bacon Vodka

14. Bacon Toothpaste

13. Gummy Bacon

12. Bacon Air Freshener

11. Bacon Flavored Envelopes

10. Bacon Lip Balm

9. Bacon Rolling Papers

8. Bacon SPAM

7. Bacon Baby Formula

6. Bacon Jam

5. Bacon Mints

4. Bacon Drink Tabs

3. Bacon Coffee

1. Bacon Soap

Cincinnati Bell - 5 Star Customer Service

2011-04-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Cincinnati Bell customer support is a phrase that should only be used tongue in cheek. Their so called support is second only to that of eBay.

I give them 5 stars (out of a 100). A brilliant comedy of errors. - Robert Ebert

If you want a call back it may be quicker to just to pay their customer support center a quick visit, in India. If you prefer to stay on hold the estimated wait time is very estimated as it takes at least twice that long to talk to someone. Cincinnati Bell is operated somewhat like a sleazy televangelist in that they take donations. For instance, if like me you decided to cancel your home phone line, they would be happy to take a one time donation of $24. And for that one time donation you get to listen to the same music played on a loop while waiting on hold. In addition you get to talk to a new friend in an exotic land half way around the world. For a company with Cincinnati in it's name you would expect to talk to someone in, say, Cincinnati maybe. Not so much. If this blog entry were written by Cincinnati Bell I would force you to read it 12 times and then transfer you to a better blog.

Rule #32 - No Remote Control Trucks

2011-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Remote control trucks are fun but apparently using them to chase kids through the church's lobby is frowned upon. Who knew? It sure is fun though. And the great part is, being an adult, until you are actually seen with the remote in your hand laughing the kids will be the ones to get blamed. Ok, note to self, no remote control trucks in the church lobby. I wander what the policy on helicopters is?

I was a 12 Year Old Hacker

2011-04-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

According the the modern 12 year old hacking is posting something dumb on you friends facebook status when they forget to log out. When I was 12 facebook didn't exist, you had to pay per hour to use the internet and hacking was something altogether different. When I was 12 I was a hacker. And what did I hack? I hacked the Windows 3.1 version of Minesweeper. I know, menacing.

If you were to log into my home computer or any of the 4 computers at my local community center you would find that, despite the fact that I was terrible at the game, I had all of the high scores. And my scores were impossibly high. Not only did I have the high scores, if you clicked on the Help button, you would also that I was listed as the creator. Not only was I the creator, according to the copyright date, I created Minesweeper in the future. Wow, the future, impressive I know.

And how did I do it? I'm sure your dying to know. I discovered that if you opened the executable file in notepad you could do a search for key words and then replace them. After that all you needed to do was resave the file as an executable. And even though I now lead a quiet life, you now know, when I was 12 I was a hacker.

At the Car Wash (PG-13)

2011-04-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

Now here's a phrase I never expected to hear from a guy that I see every week at auctions: "Bikini car washes, that's where the money's at. If I had a bigger place I would still be doing them."

"I'm glad your not." I quickly replied. "I'm not sure that I would like to see you in a bikini."

He slowly rolled his eyes. "They were girls, I ran the car wash. Although I did used to do them myself too. I used to be an exotic dancer."

As surprised as I was to hear about this mans former life of running bikini car washes I was way more surprised to find out that he used to be a professional exotic dancer. The images flashed through my head, a 6'4, 40 something year old black man in a speedo. I quickly blinked in an attempt remove that image from my head. Shiver.

"Yea, I did that until my kids were in high school. There's good money in pretty much anything that has the word exotic in it."

I wasn't sure how to respond so I just nodded. I can honestly say that that was the last conversation I had expected to have.

Triggers

2011-04-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's weird the things that can trigger memories. For me a quiet ride in the car, before the sun has completely risen, always triggers memories of family vacations. And by family vacations I of course mean going to see Grandma. We would always leave at a very early hour, the first few hours of travel being designated as sleeping time. No noise. Another memory trigger is seeing tiny boxes of cereal. As a child the only place I was ever privy to eat such an extravagant breakfast food was at my Grammy Ann's house (my Dad's step mom). I remember the excitement of picking my very own tiny box. Which one would I choose? They were all so wonderful. An entire box of cereal just for me. And for lunch, microwave meals. Those were the days when microwave meals came in reusable containers. Amazing, if only I could eat those everyday. Little did I know that someday I would be living the dream.

Circus Punks

2011-04-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

I keep a running list in my mind of things I would like to have. You see, I am an avid collector of stuff. Its hard to explain my collection in one sentence or even a paragraph. You could say that my collection accurately reflects my personality in that it is highly unique. Whenever I hear someone try to sell me on something by saying that it is "a great conversation piece" I laugh on the inside. My entire house is one conversation piece after another. Art, antiques, and oddities adorn every room.

My latest acquisition (saying the word acquisition makes me feel smart) was something that I had been keeping an eye out for a few years now. I wasn't actively seeking them but I was hoping to stumble upon them and alas I did. Last week I bought a box of antique Circus Punks. For those of you not familiar with the term, Circus or Carnival Punks are the straw stuffed dolls that you try to knock down with a ball at carnivals in order to win some chintzy prize. The punks that I got date from somewhere during the first half of the 20th century.

Circus punks are fantastic. They are hand assembled and many are hand painted. They embody two of my favorite things, art and the circus. So, check Circus Punks off my list. Now I just need to find a.....

Used Toilet Paper

2011-04-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief there are people out there who are cheaper than me. Take for instance this story that my friend told me today about her father.

As a practical joke, his softball buddies got together and toilet papered his house. Upon seeing this he went outside, bagged up the toilet paper, stuck it in his bathroom, and over the course of the next few weeks, used it.

See, I'm not even that cheap. In other toilet paper news check out this wedding dress made entirely of toilet paper. http://manolobrides.com/2009/07/03/toilet-paper-has-never-looked-this-good/

What Comes to Mind - Bacon

2011-04-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

We did a "prayer experience" at church tonight. In the first exercise we were told to be silent and then write what came to our mind. I didn't think that was very specific because I think about a lot of stuff that isn't worth writing down. After about 5 minutes of nothing I started writing and this is what I wrote:

God you are my mighty warrior, my protector, my strong fortress. You give rest to the weary and strength to the downtrodden. When no one else is, you are. You come to my defense and rescue me in my time of need. You believe in me even more than I believe in you. When I doubt, you stand by my side. You pick me up when I fall down and carry me when I am weak. I am weak, pick me up.

Ps. Ok for those of you who did the prayer experience what did you put for breakfast food and zoo animal? Everyone in my group put either bacon or eggs and either giraffe or zebra. I of course put bacon and zebra.

Sometimes My Eyes get Misty

2011-04-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

People who know me really well know that tv commercials sometimes bring a tear to my eye. It doesn't take much. I guess when I watch tv by myself I'm a bit more emotional. I try my best to man up in public. When I watch tv with friends I just bite my lower lip and blink a lot.

Just so you don't have to read between the lines, what I'm saying here is I sometimes cry when I watch tv. (I hid my man card so it can't be taken from me.) Now, I don't wail so that the neighbors can hear me and there is no gnashing of teeth but a few tears do occasionally escape the strongholds of my face. Tonight was one of those nights and it happened while watching, of all shows, The Celebrity Apprentice.

I'm a big fan of reality tv. Considering the fact that I've tried out for Survivor 4 separate times I guess that's a given. What sets Celebrity Apprentice apart from most reality shows is the fact that all of the money earned goes to charity. It touches me deeply to see people putting their money where their mouth is and giving in a big way. And by a big way I mean 1.6 million dollars in one show. That's 1.6 million dollars that won't go towards buying a bigger house, a faster car or a bigger diamond ring. That's 1.6 million dollars that will help people. 1.6 million dollars given away in just a few quick hours. I say that's money well spent.

The 86

2011-04-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended a very exciting event. It was the grand opening of the brand new 86 Club on short Vine in Clifton. The 86 is a new, positive, alcohol free music club for ages high school and up. And the best thing about this new club is it is 100% run by my friends. Chris and Monica Human are risk takers with a vision. I became friends with them around 10 years ago when they took over at the original Underground.

This month in kids church we are talking about Humility. This weeks story was about Jesus and how he led his disciples by example in the washing of their dirty, stinky feet. Feet are gross. While I was sitting around a table of 4th and 5th graders I had a flashback. I'll never forget sitting in an Underground staff meeting when Chris asked all of the volunteers to turn their seats around facing outwards and remove one sock and shoe. The Underground was no small operation and there were dozens upon dozens of volunteers. And then, as we all sat there, Chris and Monica walked around the circle kneeled down, and one by one washed our feet.

I know the volunteers who are working at the 86, they are my friends. I see their passion for reaching young people for Christ and it inspires me. If you like good music, at a great venue, run by an incredible staff, visit the 86.

www.86ministries.com

Friday Friday Friday

2011-04-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, Friday, Friday, so of course I'm jamming to Rebecca Black's hit song Friday. Her video is being hailed as the worst music video in history. In just two weeks her video has had nearly 73 million views. She's done interviews with Good Morning America and Jay Leno and made it to number 28 on the itunes download chart. And with almost 1.5 million dislikes, her video now officially holds the youtube record.

And yes, I agree, this video is bad. Lyrically it is the equivelant of an SNL pop parody. But give the girl a break, she's just 13. No one should ever leave a comment on an 8th graders youtube video that says they need to become anorexic. Go kill yourself, really? If Saddam Hussein rose from the dead and made a music video I still wouldn't think it appropriate to leave some of the comments that Rebecca Black's video has gotten. Her video reveals how truly hateful people are when they have a computer screen to protect them. And what do you think she is doing with all the money she is making off of her video? Well, she is donating it to the relief effort in Japan.

Here's the Video in Case You've Never Seen It

The Jetsons Had Better Custome Service

2011-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I went to the grocery store Kroger to buy some random item at some random hour of some random morning last week. And even though I give Kroger nearly all of my food buying business, they insisted on insulting me. I spend dozens of dollars there and this is the thanks that I get. Now, I wasn't insulted by an employee per say. I'm not sure that the self checkout machine counts as an employee. Self checkout isn't exactly a robot from the Jetsons so I don't think it has feelings or is self aware. Even so, I used to think it was a nice machine. It was still morning, so knowing that I was hungry for breakfast it gave me a coupon for syrup, and after that cereal. It was the next two coupons that were insulting; tampons. Tampons? That dumb thing was trying to call me a girl! I may be taking my dozens of dollars in yearly business elsewhere.

All The Single Ladies

2011-03-30T21:30:00.001-07:00

It's Wednesday so I did what I do every Wednesday night, I went to Refuge Coffee Bar for Karaoke night. I love Karaoke night. The singing isn't necessarily great. Some is good, some is bad and some is ugly. But it's Karaoke so who cares. Tonight it was a packed house and I did something that I said I would never do, I sang Karaoke. Now don't get me wrong, I sing, I sing a lot. I sing in the car, I sing in my house, I sing in the Bathtub or while I'm walking down the street. I even dance, when Miley Cyrus tells me to to move my hips like yea, I do. But Karaoke in front of a crowd is a bit different.

If there is one thing in life that I am positive of it is this, I can't sing. Now this wasn't the first time I've ever sang Karaoke. There was one occasion many years a go where, at a New Years Eve party, I tied my shirt into a belly shirt and sang some Britney Spears. Tonight I took it to the next level with some "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. And let me tell you, I butchered that song like it was my job. If that song was a cow it would have been a McDonalds double cheeseburger by the time I was finished with it. It could have been worse though, I could have been wearing black spandex. At least I had some very talented back up dancers.

Life Raft

2011-03-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

So I spent my entire day trying to get my computer to work. There's nothing worse than computer problems. Well maybe being stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean for 72 days would be worse. I watched a documentary last night about a guy who that happened to. As I was watching him try to figure out how to use his water making device I couldn't help but to think that I somehow understood his frustration. Except not really. If my computer doesn't work I loose money but I don't die a slow and agonizing death. I guess there are worse things than computer failure.

Why is Lindsay Lohan in Rehab?

2011-03-27T20:37:00.001-07:00

"If God has a plan for everyone's life than how come Lindsay Lohan is in rehab?"

On the weeks when I'm not leading Elementary kids church I like to sit in on the Middle School class. Middle schoolers are goofy. They giggle a lot and they say a lot of silly and ridiculous things. But in the midst of all the silliness Middle schoolers are constantly absorbing, learning, and wrestling with what they are being taught. And although it may come as a surprise to some, Middle schoolers have deep thoughts. This particular question really struck me. "If God has a plan for everyone's life than how come Lindsay Lohan is in rehab?"

Why? If God has a plan for Lindsay Lohan's life than why is she addicted to drugs? If God is all powerful than how come he is allowing Lindsay Lohan to destroy her life? Is that part of God's plan? If so that really sounds like a terrible plan. Does God's perfect plan for us included imperfection? Why indeed?

My Nickelodeon Prayer

2011-03-25T20:22:00.001-07:00

Dear Lord, give me the work ethic of Sponge Bob, the optimism of Patrick, the adventurous spirit of Sandy, the persistence of Plankton, and the money of Mr. Krabs. Amen

That Big Building with a Bell Tower

2011-03-25T18:11:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid I used to have the reoccurring dream that I lived in the church. These weren't exciting dreams. They would generally go something like this. I would be at the church and I would realized that I forgot my shoes so I would walk to the other side of the building and get them. And that was pretty much it.

Now, I don't have those dreams any more. No that's not true. I should say I don't have those dreams with the same frequency as I did as a child. I have however developed what I consider to be a super power. I can find my way through the church building without turning the lights on and without being freaked out by all of the strange noises that this place makes. I don't like turning all of those lights on because then I just have to go and turn them all back off. I even managed to make it from the basement to the third floor and half way down the hallway with my eyes closed. I am also sad to report the church candy drawer has run dry, there are no donuts leftover from the the leadership meeting sitting around and whoever used to stock the freezer with freeze pops has apparently quit. Wait, I had better double check that last statement... walk walk walk, , no wait, I take that last part back. The key to eating a freeze pop is to tap it with a hammer a few times to get it all nice and smooshy. I don't have a hammer on me so I have been reduced to using my hands. Hmmmm, I had better eat this freeze pop and get back to work.

The Funny Thing Is...

2011-03-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Just a few funny things that I've heard people say over the last few days...

- "My kids can tell the difference when I buy any toilet paper that's not Charmin Ultra Soft. My kids are toilet paper savants."

- "This one time I got stopped at the airport because the scanner kept going off. It was kind of embarrassing because I have piercings that I don't want my kids to know about and I was afraid that that's what was setting it off. Luckily it turned out to be my bra."

- I got an email about a party that I was attending that stated "I'll pick up the usual kids/Dan and adult beverages." kids/Dan beverages, well that's one way to put it.

- "Yea, Frank quit smoking so now he chews on hard candy all the time. Did you know that he has a chipped tooth. He carries around a tube of super glue so every time it comes loose he glues it right back on."

- "My son works at the library and at the library the workers have nicknames for all of the regulars. Now, the customers don't know that they have nicknames. The one lady they call Candy because she robbed a candy store and the police found her by following the trail of candy wrappers that she left."

- "The other day a lady brought her dog into the clinic that was both blind and deaf. The dogs name was Keller."

The White Crow

2011-03-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

I buy, sell, and collect. I am not, however, your normal collector. I enjoy the one of a kind, the rare, and most importantly the strange. Thus, the newest piece in my collection, a taxidermy, (partially) albino crow. Albinism in birds occurs in only about 1 in every 1800. Albino crows are so rare that when one is spotted it is news worthy. And as rare as a live one is, a stuffed one is even more rare. The Museum of Vancouver has one and there are a few others in private collections. Now, I don't think my crow is worth a ton of money but it is mine and I will never meet another person who owns one. And that's what I like.

2 Peter 3:8

2011-03-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

2 Peter 3:8—‘one day is like a thousand years’

I think that I finally have a good understanding of what that verse really means. I've heard it my entire life but today I lived it. Yesterday I set a personal goal. Starting today and continuing for the next 6 I will be spending 1 hour a day cleaning my house. And if I'm doing the math correctly, that one hour a day will feel like 14833 human days (41.6 years). I hate cleaning. I love the result but I highly dislike the process. Doing dishes feels like Chinese water torture. There are very few things that I wouldn't rather be doing.

After spending an entire hour cleaning today the result is nearly unnoticeable. Imagine if you will that a train with a 100 cars derails and 99 of them are destroyed. To the casual onlooker this wreck would look like a 100% loss. If, however, you're BMW was being transported in that last, undestroyed, train car you would see things quite differently. That's how I feel about my house. Granted, it still looks horrible but I have a vested interest so I can still see a difference. One hour down 88989 days to go.

Your Momma Jokes - Old Testament Style

2011-03-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 1:

So I was thinking the other day, if I lived during the times of the Old Testament what kind of insults would I use. Now, I must warn you, if you don't have a running knowledge of the Old Testament most of these will not be funny to you. Shoot, if you do have a running knowledge of the Old Testament they may still not be funny. What do I know. Here goes nothing.

- Your Momma is so fat that after the walls of Jericho fell down, the children of Israel marched around her for the next 7 days.
- Your Momma is so poor that she tried to give one pigeon as a sin offering.
- When you were born you were so ugly that your Momma tried to become a follower of Molech just so she could get rid of you.
- Your Momma is so ugly that when if she were in the Garden of Eden God wouldn't have waited for her to sin to cover up her nakedness
- Your Momma is so poor that she collects 10% of other peoples crops.
- Your Momma is so fat that she made the king of Moab look skinny.
- Your Momma is so dirty that Moses told her she would have to sleep in her own tent for 7 years to be ritually clean.
- Your Momma is so big that she looks like she came from the land of Gath
- Your Momma is so old that she is listed in the first paragraph in the genealogy of King David.

The Last Piece of Chicken

2011-03-13T19:52:00.001-07:00

I love chicken and growing up we ate a lot of it. Chicken was the meat of choice. You can prepare it in a million different ways and most importantly, it's cheap, or at least it was 20 years ago. Of the million ways that exist my family was most familiar with the fried variety. Crispy, oven cooked chicken goodness.

As a kid my mom would make one pack of chicken which meant that there was only enough for everyone to eat one piece. But, that left one extra piece. Every time, without exception, I would ask my dad if he wanted the last piece and he would say, "no, I don't need another piece, you can eat it." As a kid it was a bit baffling. The chicken was delicious and if I was hungry enough to eat a second piece than certainly my dad was too. But every time he let me or my brother eat that last piece. "I'll just eat something out of the fridge." he would say. He never said, "I'm older so I get it." or "I'm bigger so I get it." or "Because I'm your dad.""You can have it," every time.

Over the years that attitude has stuck with me. If one of the kids wants the extra taco, or half of my fries, they can have. I don't even think twice about it. Why, because that's what my dad did. I guess I now understand why he always let me have the last piece of chicken. Who gets your last piece?

Things I Like

2011-02-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

I like...
• hearing a kid say "watch this"
• chai tea latte at the Refuge Coffee Bar
• talking to strangers while waiting in line
• hearing someone call my name from across the room
• discovering a new niche market that I can make money off of
• hot baths
• laying in my hammock (but not for too long because I get bored easily)
• driving fast
• sleeping in
• leading Kids Church
• making someone smile who is having a rough day
• eating other peoples leftovers
• picking up hitchhikers
• hugs
• my house (even though it is so so messy)
• seeing someone I haven't seen in years and talking with them like we see each other every day
• cheesecake
• getting packaging materials from my friends (it keeps me out of the dumpsters)
• telling stories (I realize that I have way to many and I do apologize)
• going the park with a car full of kids
• and lots of other stuff too

How to Ice Fish

2011-02-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

How to Ice Fish:
Step #1 Throw a brick through the ice
Step #2 Light up a blunt, a fatty
Step #3 Drink a few beers
Step #4 Have your woman grill you some food
Step #5 Catch a fish (optional step)

And that my friends is how you ice fish. At least that's the way that it's done according to the stranger who hitched a ride with me while I was eating in the McDonalds parking lot. His lady friend and him were headed to Price Hill and had a good story so I said sure thing hop on in. You know how a lot of places don't take American Express as a form of payment? Well that was kind of the same situation here. The guy tried to pay with weed and xanax but those just aren't my cup of tea (chai is my cup of tea). Side note, how come hitchhikers never have cash but they always have weed? Strike that, dumb question. He said I looked like I that guy in Metallica (he saw them in concert back in 89'). I told him I get that a lot. You know that girl from CSI? Yea, he think's she is hot but just tv hot, he still likes his lady friend in the back seat the best. Believe it or not she used to weigh 105, make that 127, his lady friend that is. As I dropped them off I invited them to church. Who knows, they may show up. They were a bit surprised to discover that I'm a kids pastor. I look more like a pot head. I like strangers.

Christmas Shopping - New vs Used

2010-12-23T07:38:00.001-08:00

I'm going to go ahead and put a question out there and see if anyone has a good answer. Why is it that when it comes to buying someone a present it is somewhat of a taboo to get them something that is pre-used? Why do we feel the obligation to buy them something brand new when we can get them something used that is just as good or better for a much more reasonable price? Where did this way of thinking come from? Why shouldn't I buy someone a pre-used video game instead a brand new one if it is half the price? Why do we think this way? Whose fault is this wasteful and prideful mindset?

Top Ten Best/Worst Times to Fart

2010-11-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sure that this list will be incredibly helpful for everyone out there when faced with the question, "Should I fart now?" After all, there are good times to fart and there are bad times to fart.

Special thanks to my sisters Grace and Hope, my Mom, and my aunt Lynda, who just happened to call when we were writing this list.

Top 10 Best Times to Fart
10. When sitting next to a large dog
9. When exiting an elevator
8. When touring a cheese factory
7. While socializing with a group of Senior Citizens at a retirement home
6. When taking out the trash
5. When holding a baby
4. While lounging in a Jacuzzi
3. When walking past a restroom that is in use
2. While standing in a large crowd of people
1. When you are all by yourself sitting in a wide open field

Top 10 Worst Times to Fart
10. As the bride walks in at a wedding
9. Standing in a crowded Elevator
8. Sitting in a helicopter
7. During the eulogy at a funeral
6. Doing the back float in a swimming pool
5. During confession
4. While slow dancing at your Senior Prom
3. While proposing to your girlfriend (or while being proposed to)
2. When hiding from the police under your bed
1. Anywhere where people can smell and or hear it

A Bad Day

2010-11-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

Monday was a bad day. It started off bad and continued to get worse and worse. By the end of the day I was convinced that I was destined to die in a fiery wreck. Now I normally a very optimistic person but I must admit, for about 30 minutes I became a pessimist.

I started off my day as I do every Monday by putting on my pants because going outside without pants on is a taboo in my neighborhood. That part went ok. The problems started when I got in my car to go thrifting. A mile and a half up the road my tire blew. I went to change it when I realized that my spare was flat as well. I used my magical cell phone to call for help but to no avail. So, I walked home. I got my van, picked up my spare and took it to get air. But, of course, the spare had a bent rim and wouldn't hold air. So, I got a new tire. I put it on and then attempted to start my car. Only problem is, my battery was dead. So, I tried to jump it. In the process of doing so I broke my jumper cables. So, I took my battery to have it charged but when I returned I was informed that it was bad. I got a new one and everything was good. That is until I took my cell phone out of my pocket only to discover that it had a busted screen. It had broken in my pocket. At some point that day I also found myself bleeding, I took the wrong exit when traveling to a place I have been a hundred times, spent an hour packaging something that I later found out was being picked up in person and went to the post office without all of my packages and had to go back home.

One friend told me that now I know what it feels like to be a normal human. Apparently I'm just not used to having a bad day. Five hours to change a flat tire seems excessive. And truthfully, I was fine with that. At least I got to take a walk, at least the battery and the tire went out at the same time and I got it out of the way, at least it didn't happen on Sunday night when I was driving 200 miles in the middle of nowhere, at least I was walking distance from my house, at least I have another vehicle, at least at least at least. But the cell phone breaking just put me over the edge. I coudn't think of anything possitive about that.

Today was better though, I made lots of money, didn't bother to get dressed until early evening, read a book, watched tv, and went back to living the charmed life that I'm used to. I guess one or two bad days a year is acceptable.

...where dreams come true

2010-10-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Martin Luther King Jr. once said "I have a dream...." Well I also had a dream. It wasn't quite as meaningful and world changing as MLKs but it was still a pretty good dream. In fact, I had this dream on Tuesday night. In my dream my friend Chris bought me the biggest breakfast sandwich that I had ever seen. Ordinarily breakfast sandwiches are a bit on the small side. In my dream the breakfast sandwich rivaled the Big Mac, it was a BSOUS, a Breakfast Sandwich Of Unusual Size.

If facebook had been around when MLK made his famous speech he could have saved himself some time and just did what I did with my dream. I posted it as my status on facebook.* And being the Santa Clause of facebook Chris offered to make my dream come true. So, Thursday morning at 7am we met at an undisclosed location, ok it was McDonalds, to assemble the biggest breakfast sandwich either of us had ever seen. And let me tell you, it was huge. The people at the surrounding tables laughed and doubted my ability to eat it because it was also the biggest breakfast sandwich that they had ever seen. And these people were pretty old and had most likely experienced many more breakfast sandwich than I have. Composed of two McGridles and a McMuffin, the sandwich towered to an astounding height of over 6 inches tall. Luckily I, like the anaconda, am able to dislocate my lower jaw in order to eat giant breakfast sandwiches. The deed was done, the sandwich was eaten, and my dream had come to fruition. Delhi, where dreams come true.*

*facebook limits status updates to 420 characters so MLKs 9,115 character speech probably couldn't have been consolidated enough to fit.
*Delhi (Del-high) is the name of the town where the McDonalds was located. My theory is that it was originally founded by an Indian family from Delhi but they were driven out by a bunch of rednecks who could pronounce the name properly.

Aware of What?

2010-10-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I missing something obvious or maybe I'm just dumb. I don't understand breast cancer awareness. I don't want to sound insensitive here. I've had both family and friends who have suffered from this terrible disease. It's terrible and preventable, kind of. But what exactly are all of these dumb facebook updates and photo changes? How does posting your bra color or changing your profile pictures color to pink help anything? What exactly is that supposed to make people aware of? Have you ever brought breast cancer up in a conversation and the person said, "Breast cancer, what is that, I'm not aware of what breast cancer is. I wish that someone would have made me aware of this serious issue by posting their bra color." Here's my theory on the matter. People do all of these borderline obnoxious "awareness" things because it makes them feel good about themselves without actually doing anything at all. It cost nothing, there is zero sacrifice and yet, somehow, you feel like you've done something noble. And yes, I realize that I may be being a jerk here. Sorry, I'm aware.

Security Cameras that I'm not supposed to play with

2010-10-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered if you could remotely access random security cameras via the internet? No, huh, ok. Well if you did than just search inurl:/view.shtml on google. Here are some of the ones I found.

If you like cows...
Camera

awwww, puppy dogs
Camera

or maybe take a trip to Italy
Camera

or a hallway in Utah Vally University (ok, I admit, the cows sound more interesting)
Camera

how about boats
Camera

ok, I'm going to admit it right now, the content of this camera makes Utah look fun but this one is fun because you can control it remotely. I wonder at what point the owner of this camera is going to realize that people are moving it ha ha.
Camera

um I don't know where this is but they have snow
Camera

Dip Chip Ratio

2010-10-11T20:58:00.001-07:00

I am a big believer in the proper chip to dip ratio. I have observed hundreds of people dipping chips and have come to the conclusion that most people are doing it incorrectly. After years of research I have discovered that the proper dip to chip ratio is 1 to 4. Some people, however, refuse to conform to propper dip to chip ratios. The worse offenders are of course those whose dip to chip ratio is 2 to 1, twice as much dip as chip. That is what I call greedy dipping. This always leaves you with half a bag of chips and no dip. There are of course those on the other end of the spectrum whose ratio is 1 to 10, slim dippers. Slim dippers are those who barely scrape the surface. They end up with a mouth full of chip. A room full of slim dippers requires twice as many chips. I think the only solution to this problem is education. People need to be aware of the proper dip to chip ratio. Please, do your part in educating your friends to end this serious problem. Only you can prevent incorrect dip to chip ratios.

Chess

2010-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

I remember getting my first chess set for Christmas. My parents bought it for me and I thought it was was just so cool. Every piece was hand carved in some far off exotic country and because of this the pieces weren't quite consistent. Some of the pawns were a bit chubbier than others and some of the knights were a bit taller. Every piece was unique and I've always been a big fan of unique.

My Dad taught me how to play but even then he never let me win. He did, however, give me do overs. I can remember him asking me "Are you sure you want to move that piece there? I'll let you take it back if you want." My Dad called it playing a friendly game. There's something special about the game of chess and there's something even more special about teaching a kid how to play.

On Sunday I got to teach Alexis and Myra how to play. To me there's just something magical about the entire process. It's so cool to see a child work through the logic in their head. "You could move there," I would say, "but look around, what do you think I'll do next?" Their eyes light up and they see, they understand the game. I get to be the one teach them the skills that have been around for 1400 years. And then, and then I beat them.

Recipe for Pain

2010-10-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I don't normally post recipes on my blog. That really seems like a topic better left to the experts. People like Ryan However, I decided to make an exception this one time.

Pain Sandwich

You will need
2 Italian Sausages
6 Pieces of bread
3 Tablespoons of Canola Oil
1 Large Onion sliced
1 Green Bell Pepper sliced
1 Red Pepper sliced
1 Serrano Pepper
2 Jalapeno Peppers sliced
2 Habanero Peppers chopped

Take all of that stuff and fry it up. Ok, wait don't fry the bread but fry everything else. Then put all of that stuff on the bread wait an hour or two and then keel over in pain.

I ate two of these sandwiches on Friday and felt like death afterwords. I was laying on the couch watching tv curled up in pain. And then on Friday I was hungry, I had leftovers, so I did it again. Strangely enough this time it was also torturous afterwords. The burning of my stomachs lining was hard to ignore. And here I am again today, on Sunday, thinking that I would like to try just one more sandwich. I know it's a terrible idea but it just taste so good.

Responsiblity - What's That

2010-09-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there lived five friends. These friends were like any other group of friends. On the weekends they would hang out. Sometimes for fun they would go sheep tipping and occasionally, when they were feeling really crazy and the moon was full, they would throw off their tunics and see who could float the longest in the dead sea. But then one day something terrible happened. Friend number five got a terrible disease and lost the ability to walk. This was very unfortunate and made sheep tipping quite impossible.

But then one day friend number two and friend number three overheard some great news. There was a man named Jesus in town and he could heal the sick. So friends number one through four put friend number five on a cot and they hauled his fat butt to the house where Jesus was speaking. Friend number two kept making fat jokes while friend number three kept complaining that he was going to get a hernia. Fortunately friend number one was the sensible one and told them to both shut their mouths. Unfortunately when they got to were Jesus was the house was full. Friend number four suggested that perhaps they could climb up on the roof and dig a hole to lower friend number five down. But friend number one, being the sensible one, reminded them that that would be irresponsible. After all, they didn't know the owner of the house and what if they accidentally dropped the poor guy on his head. It would kill him and that would be counterproductive. That being said, they hauled their friends fat butt home and he died a few years later.

No wait, that's the wrong ending. They decided that they didn't care if it was the responsible thing to do and they put dug a big hole in a strangers roof and lowered their friend down on a ghetto rigged cot and Jesus healed him.

Think about it. Is it responsible to put a giant hole in a strangers roof? That's vandalism. Is it responsible to ghetto rig a cot with ropes and lower a disabled man down ten feet? That's reckless endangerment. God does not always require us to do the responsible thing. He requires us to do the right thing.

*the story I just told may or may not be completely Biblicaly accurate but forget about that and watch some MXPX

Do you Flinch Back?

2010-09-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Your answer to this question will determine your level of happiness in life. What do you do when someone flinches at you? Do you flinch back? Do you sock them in the face? Do you threaten them? Do you curse at them? Do you ask them what's wrong? Do you walk away? Do you smile? Do you ignore them? What do you do?

"I'm talking to these little white girls." she yelled across the parking lot to another parent. "Little white girls," it hardly seemed like an appropriate way to refer to someone else kids. We were at the park and some drama had transpired between my, um, white girls, and some other, um, white girls. The drama was a clear case of he said she said with a heaping dose of kids being kids. It was silly.

"Are these girls with you?" the lady asked me angrily from across the playground.
"Yes" I replied.
"Well this little girl said she was going to slap my little girl and I ain't gonna let no one slap my girl."
"Don't worry," I reassured, "I don't let the kids slap each other. I'm watching."

I didn't bother to get up or raise my voice. My tone was clear and consistent. My calm demeanor seemed to catch her off guard. She wanted a fight, an argument, a chance to yell. Not knowing how to react she took her kids and stormed off.

"Did you hear her call us little white girls?"
"Yea I did. I mean, you are white you know?"
"She's racist."
"Maybe," I replied, "But it doesn't matter. It's best just to ignore people like that. Take a few deep breaths and go have fun."

I think that is good advice for life. Take a few deep breaths and go have fun. If you ignore the stupid people, the angry people, and the people who are just looking for a fight, your life will be much happier. Don't flinch back.

My Life in a Seinfeld Episode

2010-08-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge Seinfeld fan which makes sense considering it it is one of the greatest sitcoms in the history of television. In my mind nearly every situation in life somehow relates to an episode of Seinfeld. I've even come to realize that I have conversations that sound like they came straight off of a stolen script. For instance, what is the proper placement of the second button on a shirt? I've had that conversation more than once. Sometimes I believe my life may just be an un-aired episode.

Now, however, it's gone too far. If you are a fan of Seinfeld than as soon as I say this next sentence you are going to know exactly what I'm talking about. The other week I sold a guy a used wheelchair. Ok, now your mind has started to wonder and your thinking about the episode where Kramer gives the lady a used wheel chair and she looses her breaks and, well, it didn't go well. Ok, stop thinking about that and keep reading. The guy I sold the wheel chair to text messaged me tonight to tell me that something broke on the chair that I sold him and it rolled right over him. Oh snap, that's not good. Well, the guy was fine and he said he still loves the chair. But still, my first thought, "Oh no, I'm in a Seinfeld episode!" I'm just glad that this guy is both very nice, and lives very very far away.

One Too Many...

2010-08-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

I went to the Delhi Skirt Game tonight. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this strange Westside tradition here is a short explanation. A couple of thousand Westsiders go to the park and watch grown men dressed up as women play a game of baseball. Then there are fireworks. It's a charity event. Now that I've got that out of the way I can get to the heart of this blog and that is alcohol abuse.

I was sitting next to a good friend of mine who was talking to one of his friends little girls. She was around 8 and was obviously upset. "I want to go home"
"Why do you want to go home?" my friend asked her.
"Because my mom is drunk and she has already gotten two guys numbers."

When I heard this my heart sunk. So many parents think that their use of alcohol has nothing to do with their children. They believe that somehow, their being an adult is an excuse to model bad, addictive, and often destructive behavior in front of their kids. If you think that your drinking has no affect on your children, think again. Let me assure you, your kids are watching you and your behavior affects them on a level that you may never completely be aware of. A drunk role model is a bad role model. What kind of role model are you?

The Story of the Dumb Spider

2010-08-05T21:18:00.001-07:00

There is a spider who lives at my house. He doesn't bite me so I leave him alone. Everyday the spider builds a web. He puts hours of work into his web until he gets it just right. But then, everyday, I open my front door and I walk face first into his craftsmanship, tearing it to pieces. And as I walk away wiping the sticky strands from my face, I think. What is wrong with that spider? He certainly does not lack work ethic. Everyday the spider re-builds his web. A sloucher he is not. What the spider is lacking is intelligence. That spider is dumb as a rock. Why would you continue to re-build something that will inevitably be destroyed? Why does the spider not invest his time and energy in building a web where it will at least last more than 24 hours? That spider needs to work smarter not harder. But alas, he is but a stupid spider whose very days are numbered. He will continue to build his web in my front door and I will continue to destroy it with my face. And then one day the web will be gone and the spider will be dead and I will not miss him because he was nothing but a dump spider anyhow.

and Everyone Was Happy and Everything Worked

2010-08-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced something that should have gone terribly wrong but somehow, despite the circumstances, worked out great? To me, this weekends kids church was a prime example of that very thing. First off though, let me assure you that I knew everything would turn out great from the beginning. But that's just how I am. It could just as well gone terribly wrong.

The first thing that went wrong started a while ago. The air conditioning in the Elementary kids church room died. The HVAC guy agreed with me that the entire system was worth it's weight in scrap metal and not too much more. This being said I set up a temporary kids church room in the churches main building. That turned out to be a bit more work than I had envisioned. Pretty much everything in life is like that though. But, alas, after wondering around the church for hours stealing... uh, borrowing things from various rooms, it was done, and it worked. Granted, instead of a puppet curtain I had some sort of drop cloth and instead of a projector screen I had a round table turned sideways on top of yet another table but it worked. It kind of looked futuristic in a ghetto rigged kind of way.

Saturday evening came and yet another problem arose, I had no adult helpers show up. Luckily though I had three 12 year olds volunteer to help and they took care of everything that needed to be done. And it worked, it worked well.

Then Sunday second service came and I had 30 kids. Normally there are video games, Foosball, air hockey, and pop shot to keep them entertained before the start of service. Today, being in a temporary location, all I had was a broom stick that I found in the corner of the room. So, we danced and did the limbo and I won, and they had fun, and I had fun and two six year old girls discovered that they had a lot in common and declared themselves to be best friends. They held hands and challenged me to a dance off, and they won. And then I once again had no adult helpers. Only this time I had only one 12 year old. So, she walked kids to the bathroom and, since I had no puppeteers I did the next best thing, ventriloquism. I guess I did a decent job of it because one of the kids asked me if I was doing the devils voice or he was really talking. I assured him that it was just a puppet and puppets can not talk of their own free will. Along with the ventriloquism, when I needed to talk to a character who was supposedly back stage, I would lean over the stage and use a different voice. And once again, somehow that worked and none of the kids pointed out the obvious that I was in fact talking to myself. And thankfully, before any more ventriloquism was required, help arrived and everything worked.

As I sat in the back of the room during the 10 minute movie portion of kids church I ate pancakes and was happy. And if your wondering why their were pancakes in the back of the room, well that's a different story. As if by some sort of miracle, only one of the 30 kids noticed that I was eating pancakes, just one little girl. And as she stood next to me I asked her if she wanted a bite and she said yes. So I gave her one and she was happy too. And everyone was happy and everything worked.

Dumb Trick #1034

2010-07-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of dumb human tricks and world record holders. And, although I realize it is not normal behavior, I try my best to partake in such activities. For instance, eating an 8lb watermelon in an hour, lifting my body using just my thumbs, pulling a car with my hair, and now this. This is me drinking a bottle of water in 2 seconds. I'm still about a half a second off of the world record though.

How to Make 80K a Year with only a High School Diploma

2010-07-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, how can you make $80,000 a year straight out of high school? Cutting Grass? No. Working at McDonald's? Nope. Doing one of those work at home things? Nope not that either. Do you give up? The answer is sell drugs.

I was talking to a guy today, who for obvious reasons, will remain nameless. (Ok, ok, the real reason is I can't remember his name.) I'm not really sure how the subject came up but he decided to tell me how he, for many years, made a very lucrative living. Now, I enjoy being self employed. I'm not a big fan of having my time dictated to me by a boss. This guy, however, really didn't like having a boss. In fact, the only boss he ever had he punched in the face. Needless to say he lost that job. And thus began his career of being self employed. Now, he didn't have any benefits, unless you include free room and board that he got during his 4 year stint in prison, but never the less he did pretty well for himself. In fact, before he made a career shift, he was pulling in $300,000 a year.

"Look at these people. They work their a**s off just to make a living. Some of them are working just to pay their mortgage and will still lose their houses. Before I let that happen I would just go get a brick and make more money than these suckers make in a year. I won my house, cars, motorcycle. I'm not rich but I got everything I want. S**t, or I would just rob some place. You don't want to rob a bank though. They don't carry enough cash. What you want to do is rob a liquor store."

Now granted, most of you have not had a conversation like this before. We went from dealing drugs to knocking over liquor stores in a 3 minute conversation. And strangely, this all seemed lie a perfectly normal conversation to me. You see, everyone has at some time had some form of this conversation and that is, "What would you do for money?" Would you sell drugs? Would your rob a liquor store? Would you cheat on your taxes? Would you work 60 hours a week and not spend time with your family? Where do you draw the line?

Picking Up a Prostitute

2010-07-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

When I get together with my family we talk, we talk a lot. And that is why I was leaving their house at 1am this morning. As I started to pull out of the driveway I could see a lady who had been walking down the street stop, turn, and wait. She was waiting for me, I just knew it. She either wanted money, a cigarette or a ride, or even more likely, all three. For a moment I considered going back inside the house and waiting for her to leave but then decided that that would be silly. Sure enough, as soon as I reached the end of the driveway she asked for a ride soon followed a request for a cigarette and three bucks. "How far?" I asked, "Just a few miles to Reading," she replied. I could smell her body spray from out the window.

"Yea, sure," I said, clearing my front seat of all the junk. She was sweating profusely like she had been doing some, um, hard work. That also explained the body spray. The overpowering smell filled my lungs and it was hard to breath. Her directions were a bit incomplete and we ended up sitting in a dark driveway. I couldn't help but to think that this would be a very inconvenient time to get robbed considering the fact that I had $600 cash in my back pocket from an eBay sale the day before.

She asked to use my phone so I handed it to her. She started every call by typing in *67 to keep them anonymous. The first few times she got no one. On the third try she had a conversation that went something like, "Do you have anyone for me on 9? Yea, I'm over hear on Reading. Ok." This is when I started to really realize the occupation of my passenger. I could only assume that she was calling her pimp. I asked for my phone back and she asked me to delete the numbers. I did and she asked to make one more call, to her mom. Yea, uh huh, her mom. I said ok but make it fast. After two more calls with no answers I revoked her phone privileges. She asked me if I had deleted the numbers and I assured her I would later.

"Ok, you can drop me off up the street." I was happy to be leaving that dark driveway. The visions of being knifed slowly left my head. I had only pulled in there because I had thought she was getting out. Up the street turned out to be a cheap motel. And mind you, she didn't want to be dropped off in front of the motel. She wanted to be dropped off in back of the motel. Ok, a little further, nope, she laughed nervously, a little further, not here, a little further. She was starting to get on my nerves. Finally we were at the exact right spot and she said thank you and proceeded to walk to, um, work I suppose. So, I guess you could say that last night, one of the Children's Pastors from the Vineyard Westside picked up a prostitute. And I guess that would technically be an accurate statement. However, if you should choose to say that please feel free to share the rest of the story just as I have shared it with you.

eBay Policy

2010-06-13T15:56:00.001-07:00

eBay's policy on dealing with their sellers is simple. Your not allowed to talk to anyone who can make a decision. Sure, you can talk to their support team via live chat all day. You can even talk to them on the phone if you can find their phone number that is. It exist but is buried deeper than Jimmy Hoffa's body. Ask to speak to a manager and they will give you this gem "Our managers don't talk via live chat but you can email them." "How about I call them?" Same cookie cutter answer. To make matters worse the email address that they give you is a generic one. Can you imagine getting that response from a physical company with a store front, customer service representatives that can't make decision and managers that can't be contacted? Ok, well how about you tell me what's wrong. "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to share that information with you."

Of course your not, that would be convenient. This all works perfectly with their policy of not replying to an email for 72 hours. I think eBay's policy regarding how they deal with seller can be summarized in this sentence, "I'm big and your small, ne ne ne ne boo boo."

Back Where I Started

2010-05-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

My life, as my dad calls it, of being a horse trader started around 10 years ago. I was 19 years old and my mom introduced me to the grand world of auctions. Soon after my brother, being a minor, illegally set up his own eBay account and my life of buying and selling was on it's way. For years my brother and I would go to the Goodwill auction, twice a week, every week. Most of the people who attended knew each other, a lot of them were friends. I met a lot of nice people there, people that I saw twice a week, every week. And then, I got a job.

Tuesday, after being absent for six years, I returned. I walked in and pulled out my wallet. As I started to pull out my ID the auctioneer looked at me and asked, "What's that for."

I replied, "I need a number."

"Why" he asked, "it's 691, right."

He remembered, after all these years, he still remembered my number. As I walked around, people that I hadn't seen in many many years walked up to me and asked, "Where ya been?" What a funny question. Where have I been? I've been gone for 6 years but it seemed like only days, or perhaps weeks. "How is your brother doing?" they would ask. When I told them that he was in Italy they all said the same thing. "Wow, must be nice." One lady, presumably in her seventies, called me an Old Timer. "You were here before I was," she said. I knew I recognized you, we all did, all of us. So there I was. I was back where I started and it was a happy place to be.

My View on Money

2010-05-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever played Risk, the game of world conquest? For those of you who are unfamiliar with this classic game, here are the basics. You have an army. Your friends have armies. You build your armies by conquering and maintaining territories. The more you have the more you accumulate. Risk is about taking calculated risks. Taking on another army could mean great loss or great gain.

Money, I've come to realize that my perspective on money varies greatly from most peoples. When I look at my bank statements I see little Risk soldiers. It's a game that I'm trying to win. Sometimes I will look and see that my army has grown in size. Other times I will see that a 1000 soldiers are MIA. Where did they go? A bill, that means that the enemy has killed some of my soldiers. Hopefully not too many. I do realize that some soldiers have to die to maintain control. An investment, that means that my soldiers are temporarily separated from the main army but will hopefully be back soon with reinforcements. I'm continually moving sections of my army from place to place, fighting, trying to gain more soldiers. Now even though I realize that this game is impossible to win I still enjoy playing it.

Insight from Saturday Night

2010-04-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Insight from Saturday Night

- I don't know how old I look but I didn't get IDed at the bar.

- The later it gets, the drunker people get, the better they dance.
*correction, the more they dance

- I can't dance. If you take be by the arm I will come with you and move slightly but it hardly qualifies as dancing.

- I saw a group of about dozen girls wearing pink wigs. Is this considered normal behavior in Kentucky?

- If I drank (which I don't)I would probably dance more because I would fail to know how terrible I am.

- A girl named Britney and her boyfriend sat down next to me. Britney was a bit inebriated. She kept introducing me to her friends. I shook hands with one girl and she told me that I needed a firmer handshake or as she put it, "do it like a man." Burn. Drunk chick one Dan zero.

- There was a biker guy who thought he knew me. I think he was wrong.

- Daniele does not like me to cross my arms or cough on my hands. I coughing on your arm really the proper way to do it?

- Out of the hundreds of people that I saw I was the only person wearing a yellow t-shirt and I was only one of two people wearing the color yellow. What do people have against the color yellow?

- If you are a decent cover band who regularly plays at a popular local bar you will get groupie chicks. They won't all be good looking and they won't all be sober but they will be your groupies none the less.

- Most German girls are mean. (This is not my theory it's just what I was told)

- Water is free.

Doing Nothing

2010-03-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

I don't do well with doing nothing. It is my preference to always have a rather full schedule. Sometimes I get so busy that I think that it would be nice to have a week free of teaching. Those are moments of temporary insanity. I am on day five of the first week in probably over six months in which I am not teaching or leading any classes. I don't have material to write, handouts to make, games to plan, and quite frankly I'm bored. Last week I broke a personal best by teaching/leading five classes in six days, three elementary, one 5th and 6th and one adult class. I wasn't planning on breaking a personal record, I was just blessed to have all of the opportunities fall in one weeks time. It was a lot of work, a lot of planning, it took a lot of time, and I loved it. In all honesty I'm probably just writing this blog because I'm bored. Just sitting around at home by myself drives me nuts. Just four more days and I get to teach again. Easter weekend, it's going to be awesome.

Status Updates by Ben Lane

2010-03-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

WARNING: This Blog is rated PG-13

So my friend Ben sits around all day thinking of dumb (and sometimes brilliant) things to write as his status updates on facebook. Most of them are far to dirty to be published on my blog (90%). Here are a few that weren't filthy:

Just finished my first book yesterday.709 pages.................... Dang that was a lot of coloring!

[Error 404: User brain not found, try again later]

Men with words are like women with makeup,we either make ourselves look good or end up looking like clowns

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I just want to say being in a fake mafia is fine with me, having a fake farm is okay with me, even a fake zoo and fish aquarium.......... But when I keep getting invites that say "Here is 200 slices of key lime pie" or "tony whipped up extra fried chicken and wants you to have some" or "have some banana pudding". it pisses me off because I am fat and really want to eat all of that.

Please don't call me insane i prefer the term hilariously unique it makes me sound smarter!

Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

Never get into a food fight with cannibals

Apparently global warming will eventually kill over 6 million ppl. On a more serious note my snowman has just melted

The only time I have a problem with alcohol is when I spill it.

Why do they put designs on toilet paper?? Honestly, while someone is taking a c**p are they gonna look at the toilet paper and say OMG its a butterfly!?

The Money Box

2010-03-21T17:47:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, before this last Saturday, I had never bought something from an antique mall. I've always found their prices to be inflated and most of their merchandise ordinary. When I saw this piece I just couldn't resist. It was neither expensive ($65) nor was it ordinary (I can't find any record of it's equal).

This is a church money box. It measures 12 inches tall, 8 inches wide and weighs a whopping 40lbs. It's built like a safe. Whoever built this thing was serious about the church not being robbed. The walls of the box are 1/4in of solid steel. The door is 1/2in thick and has two locks. Additionally this box was made to be screwed to the churches wall. That's some serious security.

What Are You Going to Pump With That

2010-03-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

I buy and I sell, that's what I do. It's fun and I make decent money doing it. I've bought and sold just about everything. Dental equipment, pantyhose, blinking doll eyes, a Rolling Stones pinball machine, gold coins, an antique javlin and about 2000 other items. There is, however one item that I have never bought and sold. I see them listed on craigslist frequently but have never even ventured to check on their resale value. You see, whenever I buy something from someone they win undoubtedly ask me, "So, what are you going to do with that." I always try to beat around the bush to avoid telling them that I'm going to sell it for a lot more than I just paid them. But still, that is that one item. What would I say? Even if there is money to be maid, I'm just too embarrassed to buy and sell breast pumps.